Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Work in progress: Gods and Aliens, first 13 lines...

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Posted by Eric J. Jackson (Member # 9454) on :

…And that's all there was, the pulsating static drowned out whatever was remaining in the transmission as he lowered the volume.
“There's nothing else.” he said. I wasn’t convinced and the dry sound of his hand rubbing his bald head was irritating.
“Can you play it again? Please…” I asked him, trying to hide any signs of desperation in my voice.
Norm reached over to the console and slid his hand across the switch, replaying the faint transmission.
“Louder..” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
It was unmistakable this time: it was his voice and he was calling my name.
“...Claire...please respond…”

-----------------------------------

The story is a science fiction story taking place in the distant future. Humanity has essentially become 'slaves' to an alien race; piloting and managing their ships which venture through the galaxy. The main character (a human) of the story is getting over the loss of the man she was 'chosen' to mate with as he as somehow escaped the slave ship they are on--but is clearly disturbed by a message that finds its way back to the ship.
The story is about 7K words in length. It has been rejected a few times by various publishers so I'd like some new readers to take a look and give some advice. If anyone wants to read the whole story, I'd be happy to share!

Thanks for looking!

Posted by sfedders (Member # 9448) on :

…And that's all there was,
((This opening line confusese me. Sometimes it can be good to lead into something by starting in the middle of the action, but we don't even know what what is, so this doesn't really work here. I think it would be a good idea to start with the transmission itself. ))

the pulsating static drowned out whatever was remaining in the transmission as he lowered the volume.
“There's nothing else.” he said. I wasn’t convinced and the dry sound of his hand rubbing his bald head was irritating. ((this sentence struck me as oddly specific, and would the sound of a head really make that much noise, maybe squeaking or some other louder sound that would make more noise.))

“Can you play it again? Please…” I asked him, trying to hide any signs of desperation in my voice. ((I think you should start here.))

Norm reached over to the console and slid his hand across the switch, replaying the faint transmission.

“Louder..” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
It was unmistakable this time: it was his (whose voice? I think you can give a name here)) voice and he was calling my name.
“...Claire...please respond…”

Posted by AmyMaidaWadsworth (Member # 9430) on :

I think you should start with the static, then bring in your character's interpretation of the sound. I agree with the previous comment about the sound of the guy rubbing his bald head. (My husband is bald right now, and we rub his head all the time--for luck. I don't know that I would describe the sound as dry. It really isn't a nominal sound anyway. For me, it's more of a tactile detail than a auditory one.)

I've learned that it's best to start with sensory input, then have the character think about it, then react to it. I call it a "choice cycle" when I'm teaching the concept to my 5th and 6th grade students.

Intriquing idea!

Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :

I like the story idea. Here are my tips for the opening:

The opening line just doesn't work for me. While starting in the middle of action may work, in this case I found it hard to read. Try starting with

quote:
The pulsating static drowned out whatever was remaining in the transmission as he lowered the volume.

quote:
I wasn’t convinced and the dry sound of his hand rubbing his bald head was irritating.

What does his running his head have to do with her not being convinced? These two lines don't tie in well together.

quote:
It was unmistakable this time: it was his voice and he was calling my name.
“...Claire...please respond…”

The end of this hook is good. It really puts together what this story is going to be about.

Posted by Eric J. Jackson (Member # 9454) on :

Thanks for all the comments guys! I've got some stuff to work with now..

I guess starting it that way doesn't really work now that I think about it. I'm going to try and start it off in a few different ways...will show a newer version in a bit.

As far as the bald head....I was trying to make it apparent that this character was not making the situation any better for Claire. While hearing the message disturbed her, I wanted to demonstrate that the other character himself was annoying to her....for some reason (and now that I think about it...I don't know anyone who's bald) I chose to have him rub his head and it 'sounded' dry to me...perhaps there is a better, less confusing, and more realistic way to portray her annoyance..Thanks guys!