Mildred’s voice had that all-too-familiar sound, the tone of someone trying to remain cordial and failing badly. “So, A-Sham-El... Ashel...” “Sheldon is fine,” he said, shifting in his chair with a faint rustle of feathers. “Whatever. So you want a project lead position?” “Yes, uh, I feel I’m ready now.” She glanced over his resumé, a haphazard mess of laser printouts, typed bond, handwritten sheets in graphite and ink, loose parchments, and scrolls that threatened to unroll all over her desk. “You don’t really have that much of a track record.” “Well, uh, you see...” He had sounded much more confident during his waiting room rehearsals. “I did work on some pretty
------ Concerned with first 13 and the whole piece if anyone wants to look at it. My title sucks, but I can worry about that later. Thanks for looking.
Edit: The whole piece contains some R-rated content, though I wouldn't call it "mature."
[This message has been edited by muranternet (edited March 26, 2011).]
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
This certainly has a sense that it could be funny, or perhaps amusing might be the word. I like the opening line, it sets up the protagonist? well. And the feathers do create a hook given the context.
I feel it needs a bit more grounding from the start - particularly regarding what job the MC is applying for. Yes, it is a project lead position, but that is a bit too general, it could be anywhere from acting to software to teaching preschoolers. Establishing a better understanding of the position's role will add to the hook that such an unusual character is applying for it. (By the way, if the point is to hide the nature of the job from the readers, it won't work - this passage is telescoping the missing knowledge.)
“You don’t really have that much of a track record.”
This too is a bit general also. It might be better to state some specific example (which can itself be funny). For example, "Under leadership, it says here you flew point on several occasions. Yet it doesn't say where you obtained your pilot's licence. Could you elaborate?"
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
I like your start, but I agree with Brendan - it would help to know "lead what position." Also, the mention of feathers is intriguing, but I am left wondering whether Sheldon is the only one who has them, or if Milderd does, too. Especially at the start, I need to be able to get an image in mind of what things look like - you could give us a little more of that up front. The humor comes through...
Posted by muranternet (Member # 9465) on :
It's more like he wants to see what's available than interviewing for a specific position. Mildred is a general placement officer for a very large organization where employees can move up/down/sideways based on qualifications and recommendation, so her job is more like a temp recruiter or career counselor inside a large conglomerate.
Would a title change to "Temp to Hire Power" make this clearer without changing the text? Or swapping to, "What sort of project management?"... "Uh, any sort I guess..."
I guess the general line is, "throw more establishing shot material into the first 13," right?
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
Yeah, just a little more grounding. We are only going by the first 13 here, so don't know all the background. It's certainly well on the way, IMO, into tweak territory. (But then there are better authors than me here, so a bit of salt doesn't harm.)