The man gave the soil a final compressing pat, making sure the young tree was well planted. Its body bent lamely under the weight of its three leaves, and as the man felt a small gust of wind flow through his hair he imagined he could see the brittle thing fighting to stay upright. It looked vulnerable and out of place, but the man’s job was done. He got to his feet and wiped his dirty hands on his stained jeans. “You know that thing won’t survive a day out here, right?” said a voice from a few feet from behind the man; the tone was curious at the same time sounding slightly condescending. “Nature takes care of its own” Replied the soil-stained man who hadn’t turned from the tiny plant. He could feel the smirk form on the strangers face, and wasn’t at all surprised when the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 15, 2011).]
Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :
Like the start. Have a few nits to pick though...
First, why not give the main guy a name? It helps to identify with him. The tags of arrogance and condescension are okay, but the dialog is strong enough to convey the characters feelings.
Also how does a compressing pat look? I'd also cut "lamely".
I'd read on, in any case.
Posted by Axis Dervan (Member # 9339) on :
Thanks for the suggestions, i modified the dialog because the explanation of tone was a little redundant and space-consuming. thanks for the tip!
Posted by Arnen123 (Member # 9428) on :
I liked it.
My initial reaction - cut out the adverbs like "compressing". Stealing this advice from Stephen King, so take it how you like .
The statement "the tone was curious at the same time sounding slightly condescending" could just be "the tone was curious and slightly condescending."
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
Agree about naming "the man" - it's feels distracting not to have it, and will start becoming confusing once more men arrive in the story. Why withold it?
Posted by MYMoore (Member # 9068) on :
Is the "man" generic because he is not a primary character? Reading this, I feel like it's being told by someone watching both him and the person who is the "voice" behind him? If another person is watching this sequence unfold, then it makes sense for him to be nameless; otherwise, I agree with the above comments about the name. The agree with the above posters about some of the word usage as well.
~MyM
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
I'd work a little more on POV. It feels a little removed, like some have said above.
quote:Its body bent lamely
Awkward and unnecessary
quote:and as the man felt a small gust of wind flow through his hair
This is a pov thing, too. "the man felt" is removing the reader from the character. "flow through his hair" feels a bit overwrought. The whole sentence is too wordy, really.
quote: he imagined he could see the brittle thing fighting to stay upright.
He doesn't have to imagine, cause he's looking at it.
I would work on simplifying as much of the description as possible. You want each one of the words to count and to mean something. And as for POV, try to begin more directly in the "head" of the MC.
EXAMPLE: Bard lived for the hunt. It was the smells and heat of the earth under his feet, warmed from the sun and thick with life.
.