Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Flicker of Life

This is topic The Flicker of Life in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

The orbital elevator sped up once it cleared the planet's atmosphere.
It was a simple open affair, a sheet of metal perforated with larger holes and a blade-shaped climber above to cut through the air. The whole thing raced up the carbon tether at supersonic speeds to the geo-synchronous home ship above.
Vorker-6 swung his sensors to the combat walker of the prisoner. Her weapons systems were disabled; the other guard's walker stood to the prisoner's right, its targeting turret trained on her--ready to blow her into orbit should she twitch.
Below, the sun drifted beyond the planet's limb and a great shadow crawled across the northern continent. Tiny flares glittered in the darkness, like twinkling red gems, as the steady stream of atomics raining from The Seriquel above found their targets.

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

I'm confused.

I tend to be hooked the most by characters, (so this could just be personal preference) so I don't have anything to cling on to. The only character is Vorker-6, which I'm guessing is a robot of some kind. But then the combat walker is a her, so is that another character?

All in all, I'm confused.

Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :

First three sentences. No problem. Getting ready, establishing, creating a great atmosphere (no pun intended.)

Fourth sentence. Huh?

I'm guessing a combat walker is a suit? The prisoner is on the elevator and Vorker-6 can see her because the elevator is open? Or is he in the elevator with her?

Vorker-6 is a guard, because you refer to the "other guard".
Now I have two guards and a prisoner in an elevator.

However, the guard has a walker, which means it's not a suit but some additional entity. Which means the prisoner has a walker and weapons systems - which could be one in the same.

The final paragraph. Good stuff. Very visual and sad. It could be my training watching movies, but whenever a planet is being rained down upon, I consider those doing the raining the aggressors. Even tho I know that's not necessarily the case here.

I'd keep reading:
75% because of the name of the poster.
25% because I feel drawn in by the 13.

Axe

Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

I like the setting, but I'd like some character to relate to.
Some internalization perhaps.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Thanks. This is a story I have been trying to start since 2007! It's a little problematic for various (undisclosed) reasons...

Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :

Hi Skadder,
Unfortunately I am not really hooked here. I think it is because this feels more like an info dump than an opening, epically the first three sentences.

With paragraph two I really started to feel like I was getting into something, we get to learn something about the characters, why they are there and what they are doing. In short, I think you should start with the second paragraph, and keep going with that, maybe adding little details as they ride up. Maybe something like:
"Vorker-6 swung his sensors to the combat walker of the prisoner as the orbital elevator sped up."

Also we need to know a little more about how he feels in the third paragraph something like: "Vorker-6 felt great pride as Tiny flares glittered in the darkness, like twinkling red gems, as the steady stream of atomics raining from The Seriquel above found their targets." Now I have no idea if he felt anything at all but if he/she did then maybe adding that here would make me feel something for the character.

If you don't want to let us know how Voker-6 feels, or if he/she is incapable of feeling, maybe describing the reaction of the person in the combat walker, would help us to understand who is on which side at least. "Vorker-6 watched the prisoner deflate tears rolling down her cheeks as she watch the tiny flares glittering in the darkness, like twinkling red gems, as the steady stream of atomics raining from The Seriquel above found their targets."

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited May 04, 2011).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Thanks. I probably won't use this beginning.

Posted by Winters (Member # 9429) on :

Just fyi, Seroquel is the name of a medication. Just one letter difference.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

I know. I am a nurse prescriber.