I always thought I would go out with a bang. However, the way that I am about to go down would have not been the way I would have planned. How I was thrown into this mess is still racing through my head, right in the middle of a firefight between the Earth Security Force or ESF and the rebel group called AGAST. Hold on let me take a breath to think, ha-ha, I’m sure my buddy wouldn’t mind if I smoke one of his cigars, he always loved these. Ok now where were we; Ahh yes, the ESF and AGAST are both companies of trained assassins, and are now tearing at each other’s throat. My name is Teymos and I used to be with AGAST for the past ten years, I used to be the best assassin and for the past two months, twenty-three hours, and fifty-seven minutes, I have avoided death on three different planets,
[This message has been edited by Alec Martin (edited May 06, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 06, 2011).]
Posted by redux (Member # 9277) on :
I think you have an interesting character sketch but I am not sufficiently drawn into the story. The way it reads there is too much setup. I feel the narrator is telling me that he/she is about to start telling me their story but for some reason hasn't yet. To put it differently, it reads like the start of a race rather than being thrown right into the race. I feel the narrator is going through too much trouble of saying "On your mark, get set..." when he/she should just start on "go."
I think the best line is "I have avoided death on three different planets." Personally, that's where I would start the story. It would be a very interesting opening line. I say this because it wasn't until I read that sentence that the story finally piqued my interest and it made me think "oh, you've cheated death, on three planets no less, do tell."
Overall, I think it's definitely a good start that just needs a bit of polishing.
[This message has been edited by redux (edited May 06, 2011).]
Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :
Start with the "avoided death on three planets" as Redux said. The rest can be cut.
Another issue I noticed (aside from what has already been said) is that I felt like you MC was telling me he was going to die. If that is the case, why read on. I will catch the details in tomorrow obituaries.
I think you should look at your story, find out where the story starts and start it there. Then any of the set up information that is needed can be sprinkled in as the story progresses.
Posted by Crank (Member # 7354) on :
Your character refers to his situation in the line: "the way that I am about to go down...", but nothing is really happening in the scene to show me or convince me that he's really on his way out. As much as I initially agree with redux and EVOC in that the story essentially starts with the "I have avoided death on three different planets..." line, your current beginning point can be salvaged if I actually saw why your MC is about to go down.
S! S!
Posted by Wonderbus (Member # 9494) on :
Hello Alec,
I must admit I only made it half way through this one. I wanted some paragraphs here, I felt like you were making me work too hard as a reader.
I haven't got anything against stream of consciousness but I'd try and let the reader settle in the story before you really let loose with it.
