Keeping his mind on the arrival time of the shuttle was not easy. Taking his eyes off the sandy landscape, he could see the Argo Navis in its final preparations before launch. It stood a few kilometers away scaffolded by berthing tubes attached to a large bubble-dome. It would take the first permanent colony to Titan, just as the Ray Bradbury had taken the first settlers to Mars.
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This is an old piece that I look at every few years and say I will revive it. It has a simple plot that I labeled in one of my self critiques as "obvious and trite". For some reason I was looking at it tonight.
What do you think of the opening paragraphs?
[This message has been edited by telflonmail (edited May 22, 2011).]
My main concern is the seeming passive feel to the opening. Not exactly passive tense, but the fact that so far Yarbro is a) waiting around, b) trying to keep his mind on an arrival time and c) is distracted by scenery, doesn't say that this story is really about him. In that respect, this could be a simple infodump, and the real MC yet to come on the scene. But, having said that, I have seen some passive openings work, which is why I would keep reading.
I'm not really seeing anything to hook me, in large part because I've no idea what the conflict is here. You *can* have an opening in which the external world is passive, without much going on, and still have plot development by showing the character's internal world.
Another way to use a passive opening is if you plan to juxtapose it with a dramatic event. The passivity can be used to lull the reader into a sense of comfort just before something big happens.
In general, I believe the best openings give the reader as much grounding information as possible: Protagonist, Setting (time & place), Conflict.
I guess I would like more details. This story is close to making me want to read more though, cause Titan would be a bitch to live on for sure.
There was originally a lot of description of the spaceport and other distractions. It didn't flow very well. Some people wanted more description, others wanted less and get into the plot quicker. You cannot please anyone. Could not please editors who found it very obvious and not overly original.