quote:
They nicknamed it The Needle.A Neutrino Force Microscope on paper, the most powerful microscope in the world. It used a needle with a subatomic tip to poke and prod whatever it could find. The result, if things went well, would be the first look at the building blocks of the Universe.
Doctor Charles Rhodes waited impatiently for the first images from the machine to appear. It was a daunting process, but it wouldn’t be much longer now. “Can you believe it?” he asked his brother, Martin. “This will be a great discovery, and we’re only moments away.”
This is a micro story, only about 550 words. Thoughts?
[This message has been edited by jcavonpark (edited May 25, 2011).]
The title drew me in, and as someone that has spent many hours on an electron microscope, a neutrino force microscope is very intriguing (and potentially humorous, in-joke wise).
Send it to me if you want a full critique.
quote:because it reads as though waiting impatiently is the daunting process.
It was a daunting process, but it wouldn’t be much longer now.
Sent it your way Brendan. Thanks in advance!
If anyone else wants to read the whole thing and give me some feedback, please let me know.
I like the way it starts. I think the Title is almost a hook in itself.
Send it my way. I can give you a full crit.
What do you guys think of that as a title? Not as cool as the last one, I think, but does it work?
Here's my revised intro:
quote:
They called it The Needle.A Neutrino Force Microscope on paper, the most powerful microscope in the world. It used a needle with a subatomic tip to poke and prod whatever it could find. The result, they hoped, would be a three-dimensional rendering of the building blocks of the Universe.
Doctor Charles Rhodes waited impatiently for the first images from the machine to appear. Hopefully it wouldn’t be much longer now. “Can you believe it?” he asked his brother, Martin. “This will be a great discovery, and we’re only moments away.”
quote:
“Can you believe it?” Dr Charles Rhodes said, waiting impatiently for the first images from the reconfigured Neutrino Force Microscope to appear. “This will be a great discovery, and we’re only moments away.”
As for the 2nd paragraph, IMHO I think it is too early in the piece for the explanation. I like your retitled title much better and is less gimmicky. As for the 1st sentence/paragraph, it threw me off - I was thinking "space needle".