Let me know if this opening grabs you.
quote:
“God is on our side, Lenz.”
Field Marshal Johan Kalden stood at relaxed attention, watching the American president staring with hard eyes as she spoke at the most powerful man in the world, Henrich Lenz, ninth Fuhrer of the Third Reich. She was seated with two American flags hanging limp behind her. Her face was superimposed on a wall that served as the Reich’s secured hotline to the United States.
The Fuhrer had his back to the president. He rocked in his leather chair and smirked at Johan. “That may be but the rest of the world is on my side, Madam President.”
He dropped his grin and spun to face the screen. “Please Elizabeth, for the sake of your citizens, surrender. Surely you can see the hopelessness of your circumstances. We have cracked
It may be a touch overdramatic,perhaps--and this could be toned down within a longer story where you give us better insights into these characters' thoughts, motivations, and feeling as they wage their verbal battle.
Or perhaps this particular alternative history scenario has been overdone.
But I like the "limp" flags and the Fuher with his back to the woman President--where the power lies is unmistakeable.
Respectfully,
Dr. Bob
This was from Daily Science Fiction, a publication I had submitted to five times before. Each submission was returned with their standard rejection, a form every hatracker who has submitted there has seen - with the possible exception of Eric James Stone. This submission got that same rejection email accept it has this at the bottom...
quote:
PS You are mining a rare ore
...which I take to mean that I'm getting close
...or it might mean that I am digging a deep hole for myself
...or perhaps they're hinting that ore is uranium and my story is too radioactive for them to handle.
Anyway, if you can figure out what they're saying by all means fill me in.
quote:
Is the idea in the story close to the edge of acceptable?
I doubt that was an issue. It could be the reveal came too much out of left field (I may need to adjust that).
I think it just didn't make their cut. After all, they told me they sent out there 6000 rejection a month ago, and the magazine is only 9 months old.
I've submitted to them only once, a WoTF reject, and got a form rejection. So your personal rejection is probably a good sign.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited June 09, 2011).]
I would be happy to read the whole thing if you would like.
Twiggy
"PS I liked the characters"
~~~~~
I take it to mean it wasn't good enough to make the cut, but keep sending. I can't imagine a whole lot of thought goes into a 4-word (or in your case a 6-word) response. "You are mining a rare ore" means to me that your work is original and you should continue to send them your short stories for consideration.
What is the location of madam "Elizabeth" president?
Are there any presidential ornaments or portaits next the "wall screen" to give some political undertones?
How about a timeline convergence nick-nack, such as a small pewter model zeppelin, behind "Henrich" ...
IMHO, the word "ninth" in 2nd paragraph is too soon and would be better later to construct timeline.
I made the assumption that it was Madam President since it said: "... as she spoke at ..."
-- which brings a context or character ordering issue. We are introduced to the "Field Marshal" before the speaker is named. The "Field Marshal" should be brought in later as build up for a support character subservient to the president - a timeline convergent equivalent for "Secretary of State".
Right off the bat you establish the setting, the conflict and introduce the characters. I like the imagery of the limp flags.
You know how I feel about passive verbs.
Instead of:
> She was seated with two American flags hanging limp behind her.
How about: Two American flags hung limp behind her chair.
Instead of:
> Her face was superimposed on a wall that served as the Reich’s secured hotline to the United States.
How about: Her face stared out from the wall, a superimposed image that served as the Reich’s secured hotline to the United States.
Instead of:
The Fuhrer had his back to the president. He rocked in his leather chair and smirked at Johan. “That may be but the rest of the world is on my side, Madam President.”
How about: The Fuhrer rocked in his leather chair, his back to the President, and smirked at Johan.
Is “Wrath of God” the title? Ugh. Not only is it cliché, it one of those hit you on the head with a sledgehammer clichés with its invocation of divine retribution. Sounds like the title of some Hollywood action movie which you know is going to be bad.
I don’t think the “You are mining a rare ore” comment refers to the setting. These alternative histories where Nazis rule are not uncommon. There are a number of novels and Star Trek has done at least two story lines with this premise. Unless the editor is being sarcastic, I’m guessing there is something else within the story and I would have to read the whole thing to make a call.
- WolfCreature
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