This was not a good situation. Not a good situation at all. Fionn squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth as he pulled his wrists against their wooden bindings in a futile attempt at escape. It was no use. The stocks he was once again forced to endure as punishment held him firmly in place.
Normally, Fionn wouldn’t have bothered trying to avoid his sentence. The humiliation and soreness that came with a day or two in the stocks was lenient compared to what he would endure otherwise. Thus, the fact that the apparatus was safeguarded both physically and magically to prevent tampering had never before seemed important to him.
The problem now was that Fionn’s incarceration had, by sheer bad luck, managed to coincide with an Attack.
Fionn squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth as he pulled his wrists against their wooden bindings in a futile attempt at escape.
2.I am seeing it but consider dropping- ‘as he’ and say- ‘pulling his wrists.’ Bindings makes me think of rope- picky I know, but restraints or a word like that might work better- for me.
It was no use.
3.Good.
The stocks he was once again forced to endure as punishment held him firmly in place.
4.Wordy. Maybe- In the stocks. Drop once and maybe say- he again was forced. Consider replacing ‘as’ with ‘his’ and drop ‘held him firmly in place’ We get it he’s not going anywhere.
Normally, Fionn wouldn’t have bothered trying to avoid his sentence.
5.What strikes me most about the sentence is how casual he sounds considering there is an attack going on around him. There needs to be some urgency, maybe even near panic’ Holy crap, I am sitting duck! As a bad example of what I mean but you get it.
The humiliation and soreness that came with a day or two in the stocks was lenient compared to what he would endure otherwise.
6.For me- this line does not move the story forward.
Thus, the fact that the apparatus was safeguarded both physically and magically to prevent tampering had never before seemed important to him.
7.Wordy. At this point the panic and desperation should be palpable and he’s telling us why it appears impossible to escape and again rather casually.
The problem now was that Fionn’s incarceration had, by sheer bad luck, managed to coincide with an Attack.
8.Wordy. I am sorry but- for me. The events unfolding around him ‘The attack’, are not shown to us and the casual way he presents his situation loses me as a reader. As an example and maybe a bad one: ‘What offense had caused the gods of fate to anchor him here as the city was being overrun.’
You’ve the bones of a good beginning here. You place us in the midst of impending disaster, but treat it much too casually. The tension should be visceral. Inserting a line about the din of battle or hint at it would heighten the tension for us too. Think about being forced, at gun point, to run across a busy highway in shackles. Is your heart pounding? You look from the shackles into the barrel of the gun- what do you do?
Good luck
quote:
This was not a good situation. Not a good situation at all. Fionn squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth as he pulled his wrists against their wooden bindings in a futile attempt at escape. It was no use. The stocks he was once again forced to endure as punishment held him firmly in place.Normally, Fionn wouldn’t have bothered trying to avoid his sentence. The humiliation and soreness that came with a day or two in the stocks was lenient compared to what he would endure otherwise. Thus, the fact that the apparatus was safeguarded both physically and magically to prevent tampering had never before seemed important to him.
The problem now was that Fionn’s incarceration had, by sheer bad luck, managed to coincide with an Attack.
I think you're on the right track. It could use some tweaking but you have something to grab readers, you have at least a hint of the problem and you even have a cliffhanger.
I wonder who would be punishing him if he didn't allow himself to be put in the stocks. And what type of an attack needs to be capitalize.
I think pidream has a good point about the first two sentences even though it does sound a bit cliche-ish. But that could be okay.
It probably is a good idea to take the was-s out, editors supposedly don't like them... too passive sounding. The same thing goes for had.
quote:
This was not a good situation. Not a good situation at all.
As pidream alluded to, cut the 'situation' out and this will read much, much better. However, this opening (without the situations) works well for a 1st person narrative. This is a 3rd person. You will either need to establish this as your MC's thoughts or cut it out all together.
quote:
Fionn squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth as he pulled his wrists against their wooden bindings in a futile attempt at escape.
consider cutting 'in a futile attempt to escape'. It's needless telling considering you already showed us what he was doing.
quote:
It was no use. The stocks he was once again forced to endure as punishment held him firmly in place.
this is fine.
The rest I will reserve commenting on. The last sentence implies a lot of something is about to happen in the next paragraph or two. It seems you have accomplished our minimal standards here.
This hooks me enough to want to keep reading.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited July 31, 2011).]