virgin's. I appreciate the naughty construction of this sentence.
This editions premise is right up the alley of most of you, Myths and Legends.
quote:
The Gift of Purity is the grandest of all. Once of age, the magic in a virgins soul flowers. The longer you remain one, the grander it will bloom. A single maiden is worth a wagon of gold with it, while a dozen wenches but a copper without it.
Before I came of age, I was a child of starving peasants. Retaining my gift has allowed me to live like a queen. I have been swooned by princes and coddled by kings. I have ridden on the backs of unicorns and broken a centuries old curse. I have experienced more adventure in two years than the bravest explorer will see in a lifetime. My virginity granted my adolescent wish to escape a harsh and mundane life.
Heed my words, my sisters of pre-womanhood. Get rid of it before it is too late.
Anyone intersted in being part of a critiquing group for this contest, much like what WriterDan has done for the WotF contest, let me know. The contest has a very firm word ceiling of 5k, so stringing a bunch of us to read and review shouldn't be (too much) of a burden.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited July 31, 2011).]
I have a story for the premise contest. It's on the short side but still good... or so I hope.
But with your opening. Does that last line say what it appears to say? It contradicts what goes before it? Or even after two reads am I missing something? That is possible since I'm reading in a hurry this morning.
The rest of it sounds clear and grabbing to me.
I would be willing to exchange scripts with you, if you like
I found the selection disquieting, and trite in its perpetuation of the misogynist myth of virginity as magical, even sacred. The concept that sex is sinful and loss of virginity equates with the loss of a woman's worth, or contrarily that virginity is a burden to those who voluntarily choose celibacy I suggest is best relegated to the dustbins of history along with the caricatures of Uncle Tom, Shylock, and Charlie Chan.
Respectfully,
History
[This message has been edited by History (edited August 01, 2011).]
It does play on and satires the misogynist myth of virginity as magical. So many ancient myths have implied that a womans virginity is a source of magic. This piece is based on that premise. I imagined a world such as that treating virgins as objects of value to be exploited, which is the reason why the opening letter is a warning to others.
Of course, my protagonist has a unique problem that complicates her circumstances.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited July 31, 2011).]
Note: You use the word 'you' which I would rephrase as it always makes me wonder who they are talking to.
On a side note, I am not certain about the virginity and magic thing. Seems to easy to become powerful. What about men?
Other than that (and the word coddled) it is very smooth.
I think it important not to censor a writer when we have, in fact, no idea what the story is about or where it is headed.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 31, 2011).]
quote:
You use the word 'you' which I would rephrase as it always makes me wonder who they are talking to.
The letter is an address to other virgins and children before they ascend to puberty, so the 'you' is a general term she is applying to the reader.
What's wrong with 'coddled'?
quote:
The letter is an address to other virgins and children before they ascend to puberty, so the 'you' is a general term she is applying to the reader.
Fair point. I withdraw my quibble about the you. If it is addressed to people (I thought it was simply narration) then it's fine.
I used brackets for my dislike of the word coddled in this instance. The rest is written quite poetically, I think, but that word just doesn't seem to fit. I realised this was likely just in my head, which is why I said it was a smooth read (apart from coddled).
A certain UF book reminds us that someone can loose their innocence- therefore loose the unicorn-- even if they are still a virgin.
But I'm one that doesn't mind purity and virginity along with what goes along with it like self control, being made into a strength.
But at the moment I may have only one story to trade. Besides the one for the premise contest... one new story that is I have a bunch of older ones that always could use crits even though some of them need a bunch of work.
[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited August 01, 2011).]
In the first line 'virgins' needs an apostrophe since the soul belongs to it.
I also found the switch from formal/distant speech to the intimate 'you' a little disconcerting. How about bridging it with something like 'Once you are of age, dear sisters...' Then right up front I know who 'you' is and that this is instruction.
You could pull a similar stunt saying something like 'It is written/It's been said a single maiden is worth...' to bring that distant professorial tone back to a sisterly admonishment.
To swoon is to faint. Perhaps wooed would be another choice? Btw, I don't mind coddled.
My only other point is one of curiosity which may well be answered later. If she's 'experienced more in two years' I couldn't help thinking if she hit puberty at 13, would this make her 15? This doesn't sound like a 15 year old. There's probably a really obvious explanation I'm missing.
Anyway, I like it, I'm intrigued. I would read on.
Respectfully,
Dr. Bob
[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited August 01, 2011).]
And thank you as well, Doc. I value the immediate reaction, even if it is unexpected.
I am going to try and elict a mini-critique group for this contest. Let's try writing discussions first.
The Gift of Purity is the grandest of all. Once of age, the magic in a virgins soul flowers. The longer you remain one, the grander it will bloom. A single maiden is worth a wagon of gold with it, while a dozen wenches but a copper without it.
Not a bad paragraph. I would use a different word than "grander" in the third sentence since you use "grandest" in the first. And in the last sentence, it took me a moment to realize that "it" was the Gift of Purity, so perhaps try rephrasing that.
Before I came of age, I was a child of starving peasants. Retaining my gift has allowed me to live like a queen. I have been swooned by princes and coddled by kings. I have ridden on the backs of unicorns and broken a centuries old curse. I have experienced more adventure in two years than the bravest explorer will see in a lifetime. My virginity granted my adolescent wish to escape a harsh and mundane life.
The only thing I have to pick on here is the use of the word "swoon." Swooning is something you do, not something you have done to you.
Heed my words, my sisters of pre-womanhood. Get rid of it before it is too late.
"Pre-womanhood" sounds awkward. Maybe use the word "innocence" or something else appropriate.
Now, my thoughts overall: I really like it. I started out skeptical; as others have said, the virgin thing seems kind of overdone. But I kept reading, and that last short paragraph was completely the hook. I'm intrigued. What is the downside to the Gift of Purity? What has happened to the protagonist that she feels so strongly? I think this beginning has a lot of promise. If you need anyone to read further let me know.
> Once of age, the magic in a virgins soul flowers.
virgin's. I appreciate the naughty construction of this sentence.
I agree with zewology on grandest/grander and also on >swoon<. How about: beset by princes?
> Heed my words, my sisters of pre-womanhood.
Ugh. I agree with zewology here too. Not only does >pre-womanhood< sound clunky, it suggests that virginity is a problem before reaching womanhood. This could be sticky territory depending on how womanhood is defined. How about: sisters of chastity.
As for >coddled< I think it could prove to be a good word choice depending on the direction your story takes. Coddled means to indulge, humor, spoil, baby and also to boil gently. Its roots trace back to the word >caudle< a warm watered down drink for invalids. If you character becomes irritated being treated as a child by those in power than it's a good choice.
I might be interested in your critiquing group proposal. I take it you will be collecting and organizing it? What is the deadline for submissions?
- WolfCreature
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quote:
The Gift of Purity is the grandest of all. Once of age, the magic in a virgin's soul flowers. The longer you remain one, the grander it will bloom.
zewology...
quote:
I would use a different word than "grander" in the third sentence since you use "grandest" in the first. And in the last sentence, it took me a moment to realize that "it" was the Gift of Purity, so perhaps try rephrasing that.
I would normally but the grander it will bloom is the result of the magic flowering within a developing virgin. I believe I should keep it tied with the earlier 'grandest'.
Changing either of the two to a substitude like majestic and the paragraph loses its luster. For one, they would require the use of an adjective.
The Gift of Purity is the most magnificent of all. Once of age, the magic in a virgin's soul flowers. The longer you remain one, the more splendid it will bloom.
See what I mean?
The deadline for this contest in Sept. 30th - one second before midnight Oct. 1, Eastern time. If you want to join in the group, WC (or anyone else), go here. Four people have already signed up.
or is that a Duh that I should have gotten my first reading? I think I did but it didn't quite come out in the discussion.