Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Doomati superhero short

This is topic Doomati superhero short in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

The two girls were strung up and not in a fun way. They dangled above the bed, trussed up with throats slit. The ropes creaked. Blood splattered and pooled in the center of the bed. Ed Gris, nude and sweating, dropped the glasses he had been carrying but swung the bottle of champagne around him. The bottle smashed across the jaw of a thug who had gotten too close. Before Ed could do anything else, though, a dart hit him in the chest. Numbness flooded out from the tip and Ed dropped to the floor, unable to move anything.
“And so the Sting was stung,” said a man with a nasally voice. The speaker walked over to Ed, crouched down, and grabbed Ed’s loose jaw so that Ed could see who was talking. Baron Kriminel wore a black tuxedo and top hat, and all the flesh from

Just wanted to see if this works.

[This message has been edited by babooher (edited August 03, 2011).]

Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

I find the hook great. I certainly want to know what's going to happen, though the only nit I have to pick is that the action is introduced somewhat abruptly. There seems to be a sudden shift from description to action.

I like it.

Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :

It works for me, it is an evocative scene. The only nit I have is this:

quote:
Before Ed could do anything else, though, a dart hit him in the chest.

It is sort of like the issue with the use of the word 'suddenly'. IMHO, something happening abruptly in the scene should be conveyed abruptly on the page. Hence I'd suggest starting a new paragraph with this event, and delete 'Before Ed could do anything else, though'. I think this has the advantage of showing over telling in a less-is-more way that saves you seven words.

[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited August 04, 2011).]

Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

Great opening, I really liked it.

Just a couple of things that I would suggest could be tightened up.

First - Ed Gris' introduction is a bit sudden and confusing - At first I though he was some kind of crazy villain and the thug was one of his.

Second - I suggest removing the ",though," in "Before ed could do anything else...."

Third - "Grabbed Ed's loose jaw so that Ed could see who was talking" seems a bit passive, i feel it should be more forceful. Like "Grabbed Ed's loose jaw, pulling it up to his face."

These, of course, are small things, but I think it could make this opening even stronger

Posted by Krina on :

Try placing “slit” in front of “throats” in the second sentence. I think that might read better.

Are you open to line rewrites?

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

Sure, Krina.

Posted by Krina on :

I like the tone. It reminds me of an old detective movie.
Where is this scene set, at a house, apartment, hotel room? Because depending on the location it may not make sense that Ed is naked. He has to be away long enough for the men to kill and tie the girls up, plus he didn’t hear anything.

Ok here’s my take on it:
Start
Ed Gris swaggered back into the room with a bottle of champagne and three flutes in his hands only to find the two girls he had (you know what/insert word here) moments before strung up, and not in a fun way. They were dangling above the bed, trussed up with slit throats. Blood splattered and pooled in the center of the bed. He caught a movement from the corner of his eye. Acting out of instinct Ed dropped the glasses and flung the bottle towards the intruder, knocking him out cold. But before he could make another move a tranquilizer dart hit him squarely in the chest. Ed felt his limbs grow numb and dropped to the floor, helpless.

“And so the Sting was stung,” said a figure from the shadows. The nasal voice sounded familiar, but Ed couldn’t place it. The figure slowly walked over to Ed as if he had all day. Then, without warning, he grabbed Ed’s loose jaw and jerked it towards his face. Ed’s eyes widened in recognition. Baron Kriminel, dressed in a crisp black tuxedo and top hat…
End