I would appreciate your input on the following story. Any volunteers beta readers are welcome as well.
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I'm about to die, Ray, and to be honest; I know exactly how I got here.
The morning after the full moon back in June was a typical Texas scorcher. Skye sauntered into the shop wearing a frilly white top and denim daisy dukes; I guess you could say she caught my attention. Around her neck, she wore a detailed white-gold image of a four-headed wolf with tiny rubies for eyes.
“What have you got there?” I asked her.
Skye stroked the figurine and smiled. “Esa-Rosa.”
“Is that some kind of Spanish name or something?” Tan as she was, I thought she might be Hispanic.
“You're not the first to make that mistake,” she laughed. “It’s
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[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 10, 2011).]
#2 It seems a bit blunt. In Sci-fi this would be a "As you know..." moment that reeks of an info-mugging. The part where she almost forgot why she came in felt really fake after the big etymology lesson. I don't know your protagonist all that much, but if I needed to get that etymology lesson in, I'd try to be more subtle. Maybe he gets caught checking her out, she says something, he's embarrassed and tries to cover by saying he was only checking out the necklace. Complete BS, but it wouldn't be so heavy handed. That way he has a reason to ask more about it (other than you need to explain it to the reader).
#3 It feels like he doesn't know her but yet he knows her name. This disconnect (at least for me) comes from the line where he thinks she might be Hispanic. I understand that Hispanics run the gamut of skin colors. I understand you might know someone without knowing her ethnicity (I once knew a biracial girl in school that most people would think was black/white mixed but was actually Hispanic/white mixed). It happens, I concede that, but it feels odd here.
I also think that babooher makes some good points.
1) About the transition; what if you try mentioning "the girl" or something in the first line?
2) The super accurate description of the necklace really comes to the fore - MC is zooming into the necklace.
3) I get the feeling that the MC hasn't seen Skye before, but still "Skye sauntered into the shop". Maybe introduce her as a woman, and then MC can freely speculate about her background.
The morning after the full moon back in June was a typical Texas scorcher.
2.I think you have two separate thoughts here. As an example of how it might be presented. It was a typical June morning in Texas, a real scorcher. Last night’s full moon hung low on the western horizon.
Skye saunter into the shop wearing a frilly white top and denim daisy dukes; I guess you could say she caught my attention.
3.I had to look up daisy dukes. I hated the Dukes of Hazzard, but that doesn’t count for much. This is picky but- A good looking woman walks into my shop wearing daisy dukes and I am telling one of the guys, later. The short shorts come first in the description and the top, if I mention it at all comes second unless it was super low cut. Even then it still comes second.
Around her neck, she wore a detailed white-gold image of a four-headed wolf with tiny rubies for eyes.
4.Wordy. If it is around her neck, we know she is wearing it. I’d drop “she wore” Word choice- “detailed”? Maybe ornate or complicated. I think your robbing the description of power by starting with “white gold”. Maybe- “a four (no hyphen) headed wolf with ruby eyes set in white gold”. You lose a couple of words there that making it less wordy in the process.
“What have you got there?” I asked her.
5.I’m bad but this goes back to the daisy dukes (can’t get that picture out of my mind now). Unless I’m pointing at the necklace and concentrating my eyes would be looking much lower. For me- I would add “I asked, pointing at her necklace” because “What have you got there” could be taken
anyway and since he is not specifying what he is referring too.
Skye stroked the figurine and smiled. “Esa-Rosa.”
6.How did she know he meant the necklace and not her legs? I’m bad.
“Is that some kind of Spanish name or something?” Tan as she was, I thought she might be Hispanic.
7.Sorry, this is Texas. 90% of the people in Texas speak a few words Spanish , if not a lot more. So he would know it’s sounds or is, in fact, Spanish. Esa-Rosa sounds a whole lot like Esta Rosa meaning- ‘this pink or the name Rosa’. And hearing it for the first time I would think that is what she said.
“You're not the first to make that mistake,” she laughed. “It’s
8. And maybe not the last.
I think you’re going somewhere here but need to tighten it up, as another Hatracker tells me to do with my writing. The opening is abrupt and for me needs a little more of a lead in. The scene logic needs to be addressed, the real life male attitudes overhauled for me and the tex-mex language thing (I know picky, sorry) fixed. It feels like a werewolf story and for that reason I would not read on but that is me. A few tweaks is all you need to make it flow.
Good luck.