Start of a fantasy. I'll break it up into smaller paragraphs when I start on the rest of the draft. Comments welcome.
Hazeen had walked for two months from his mountain village, across the plains to the great city of Amtar. He had come to sell six gem-bearing stones hidden in a battered little pouch fastened to his belt. A good price would mean a return to his village with silver to buy food to see everyone through the next winter. If he failed, his people would not live to see the spring. His traveling companions had looked at him curiously when he first joined them. So young to travel by himself. He did not tell them of his six kinsmen who fell along the way, or of the stones, for he feared they would wrest them from him to keep them out of the hands of the Amtari. At the Western Gate of the city, Hazeen left wordlessly to stand alone and observe how things worked at the gate.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Not bad. Some initial thoughts. You use "had" quite a bit ("had come" "had walked" "had looked.") Might want to add a bit more variety to word choice and sentence structure.
Also...this may not be your style, and it isn't a huge thing personally, but from a perspective of the current climate, you might want to get a little more into your protaganists thoughts and feelings. However, if you intend this to have a little more of a distant chronicle-y feel, then your totally fine as far as that.
I am also curious as to why the whole village is relying on the stones, but that is something I don't feel is an absolute necessity here in the opening. I do feel it should be addressed at some point, though.
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
This feels incredibly distant to me. I'm not big on getting into the protagonist's thoughts and feelings(I'd much rather infer thoughts and feelings), but I still feel so far away from the character. Each "had" is a moment that happened before the story so there is distance there. Most of the intro is a reflection on what had happened. What little is of the present is Hazeen observing the workings of a gate. It all feels like plot summary instead of a great introduction.
Posted by anarresti (Member # 9614) on :
Thank you both for your comments. I will be going for a "higher" style in this piece but I think I can get the information across in a more current manner. Back to the drawing board...!
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
quote:I will be going for a "higher" style in this piece but I think I can get the information across in a more current manner.
This is just my opinion but, if a "high" style is what your going for, I think you've achieved it and shouldn't worry too much about the "distance." My dislike of the "had"'s stems from repitition, not the distancing effect if a grander style is your intention.
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
What does distance have to do with grandeur or high style?
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
I don't know, but I know one seems to come with the other for many people. Maybe "high style" isn't the word. What I (and I think the author here) mean is a narrative that's mostly that-narrative. Not internal thoughts and feelings. Not focused on a character or characters, but more on events. Written more as someone telling a story than trying to depict it, like a history or chronicle.
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
Sounds a lot like a wikipedia article to me, not the story above, but the idea of writing a chronicle based on events rather than people.
Anarresti, you do what you want, but I'm curious as to what you mean by "higher" style.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
I think Tolkien's work would be an example. Particularly the likes of the Silmarillion. Recent fiction is very focused on being in-the-moment and getting "in the head" of a specific character, and eliminating that "distance" between the reader and the writing. But there was a time and there are pieces that do that on purpose, a style more of re-telling something that has happened, rather than trying to put you there as it happens.
That's the connection I make anyway.
Posted by anarresti (Member # 9614) on :
I'm trying for a sound more like the beginning of "The Crystal Cave" as opposed to "Legacy of Heorot", for example. I enjoyed both those books but Heorot would have sounded odd to me if told in Stewart's style as would Cave told in Niven's (as they wrote those particular books.)