Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Fire and Lye (3300w)

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Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

Here goes. Always happy to swap crits. Hope the dialog of the master doesn't seem too extreme.

The magister was dying on our table, but all I could hear was master Helveskar’s voice, urging me to churn faster.
“There is a right way to go about it,” he said, his voice as dry as parchment. “Hold the paddle upright, you are a soap maker, not a dockside whore. You make soap. You do not pleasure a sailor.”
I thrust as hard as I can, ignoring the calluses and sores that ridged my fingers. Sores heal. They always did. “No.” Master Helveskar’s voice was like a knife wrapped in silk. He swung his quirt at me. There was a dry hiss and the smacking sound of leather against skin. Blood trickled down my face. “That man will die if you don’t churn faster.” He cracked the quirt once more. “What is your name girl?” “Lye.” I said

Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :

The first line gave me confusion. Magister and master are so close that I was not sure if there is some else dying on the table or if it is Helveskar that is dying.

I think Halveskar's dialogue is a bit excessive in the sense that he makes the dockside whore reference twice. I think you could cut one of the two.

"That man will die if you don't churn faster." I assume now that a separate man is dying on the table.

You lose me when he asks the girl's name. Seems out of place considering the dialogue before. Perhaps right after the first line he could say "What's your name?" She could answer then he would say "There is a right way to go about it..."

I feel the line "That man will die if you don't churn faster." is a good last line to your hook. It spikes the interest enough for me to keep reading.

Posted by OliverBuckram (Member # 9655) on :

I thought this was pretty cool and an effective hook. How can soap-making save a man's life? I hope it is something interesting but fear it will turn out to be just boring magic soap.

"The magister was dying on our table" this by itself is surprisingly compelling, i think due to the word "our". it would be worse with "the table"

ok, his voice is both dry as parch. and like a knife wrapped in silk. delete one of these. the knife one is better. parch. is cliche

whore...pleasure. this worked for me.

honestly, i admit i am ignorant, i don;t know what a quirt is. coming so soon after the whore, i don;t what to tell you what i thought master h. was swinging at the girl, and i was alarmed that it made a dry hiss.

"There was a dry hiss and the smacking sound of leather against skin. Blood trickled down my face." this is effective because she doesn;t scream out in pain, she is tough. but i fear it is too indirect. it took me a while to figure out what was going on.

prediction. next line is as follows. "Well, Lye. If you don't pick up the pace we are going to need a new magister. You will forever be known as let-em-die-lye. So get going."

is lye really the best name for a soap maker? unless in this world all soap makers have names such as lye, amonia, turpentine, etc.

lastly, i agree that magister vs master is too much to take in at first. can we use another word instead of magister such as "the official."

[This message has been edited by OliverBuckram (edited October 02, 2011).]

Posted by redux (Member # 9277) on :

Overall I liked it- the hook worked for me. I agree with EVOC - the magister is being a bit redundant with his whore allusions. Unless that's his personality, I would think about cutting out one of those.

This sentence confused me a little - "There was a dry hiss and the smacking sound of leather against skin." It sounds too disembodied. That is, the PoV appears to be Lye and yet this description of being smacked with a quirt seems too detached to be from her PoV. It almost makes it seem like it was someone else's skin that got hit and yet she's the one who has blood trickling down her face.

I do have some grammar nitpicks ...

"The magister was dying on our table, but all I could hear was master Helveskar’s voice, urging me to churn faster."

I don't think you need that last comma after voice. Pausing there makes the sentence sound awkward.

"I thrust as hard as I can,"

Instead of can, use "could" in order to keep the tenses consistent.

That's it. All in all, I liked it.