I'm writing a larger novel-legnth project called "The Reaper" but to stay loose, I've started doing short stories set in the world with little-to-no ties to the main story. This one is set in the country where The Reaper takes place, but about two hundred years before.
“The thing you need to understand about the Land is that it hates us,” Guile began as he affixed his nail to the mass of grass, tangled chaos that almost spilled out upon the worn dirt road. It was a dangerous thing, grass so vibrantly green. They had arrived just in time. “Quite reasonable, that. Good judge of character, the Land.” Horn had let this area rot, the bastard. Going mad shouldn't be an excuse for dereliction of duties. It had taken three weeks of careful survey to relocate the road. They would have to redraw all the maps of Ga-Rath – again. No one would be pleased, but what could you do? Some men just weren't professionals. Guile was a Nailman. Those who knew him occasionally remarked that the profession suited him. It was not a compliment.
Posted by dysfunction (Member # 4588) on :
This is really, really good. My only question is: who is Guile speaking to? (I'm assuming "The thing you need to understand about the Land is that it hates us," is supposed to be in quotation marks, some character set issue is preventing some of your punctuation from rendering properly)
Posted by Yados (Member # 9660) on :
Thanks!
The second person is *just* outside of the first 13.
Weird on the punctuation. It shows up fine for me. What browser are you using? I'm using Firefox.
Posted by dysfunction (Member # 4588) on :
I'm using Firefox as well but it's the same in Chrome, it must be the fonts installed on my machine or a lack thereof. Your posts aren't the only ones on this forum showing up like this for me, and conversely it seems I'm not the only one on here whose browser renders some posts that way.
Anyway I'd recommend moving the first bit of answering dialogue up before "Guile was a Nailman", so that it breaks up the exposition (though the exposition itself is done very well), and so that the reader doesn't lose the train of the conversation.
[This message has been edited by dysfunction (edited October 10, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by dysfunction (edited October 10, 2011).]
Posted by Yados (Member # 9660) on :
Whoa, the punctuation just started to wig out on my end too. Weird.
I'm considering turning this into a YA novel and shift the pov from Guile to his assistant Yaez (who he's talking to).
Basically just writing the most depressing horrifying YA novel ever. Because if it's Guile's story, it's a short story that introduces an aspect of the world of the Reaper. If it's Yaez's story, I know what happens next.
But, as a side effect, the pov shift would make it clear that Guile is talking to someone as Yaez would be responding internally to his dialogue.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
hello. i think your 13 lines didn't translate well when you copied and pasted, so it's a little messy, making it a little difficult to read. however, i'm interested in reading more depending on how long this short story set in the world is, and if this short story set in the world stands on its own.
Posted by Dame (Member # 8513) on :
Hi,
Yup, same weird punctuation for me in Firefox.
Once I got my head past that, I too enjoyed the first 13.
I would say I think you might be better letting us know who he is speaking to, why, and how he feels about it, before going into the thought about Horn and his going mad.
It may be cleaner getting the conversation and action going a teeny bit more before any diversions. I say this though I love the tone and the concepts. The idea of a nailman is really strong and you get it across very well.
Good luck deciding what to do with this. It has lots of strong points to it.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)