Candlelight flickered on the glass sphere in Papa's hands. Inside the sphere was a miniature city of silver and tin.
"Happy birthday," said Papa, and handed the microcosm to Petru.
"A toy microcosm? For me?" It must have taken Papa a month to make, using tweezers and special tools.
Papa nodded, smiling.
"Business must be bad if no one wants to buy it," said Petru solemnly. "It's one of your best pieces."
"No, business is good. I made it especially for you. Look, we're inside it, you and me."
Papa went downstairs and got a magnifying glass from the workshop. He showed Petru the two figures standing in front of the city, each no bigger than a grain of rice. One had white
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
This intrigues me because of where it might lead.
quote: "A toy microcosm? For me?"
This seems like slightly odd phrasing for, presumably, a young child.
quote: using tweezers and special tools.
This seems a bit redundant at first...but I think what you need is a touch more detail about the tools. Indeed, I think you could infuse the whole thing, especially the dialogue, with a little more whimsy or wonder, given the subject matter.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
this is pretty interesting, and i'm open to looking at it. it's only 980 words?
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
I will give it a gander. Send it over.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I found the concept pretty intriguing and I would probably turn the page. Just a few minor nits, not so much crits as much as ways to make the piece even stronger:
Candlelight flickered on the glass sphere in Papa's hands. Inside the sphere was a miniature city of silver and tin.
"Happy birthday," said Papa, and handed the microcosm to Petru.
"A toy microcosm? For me?" It must have taken Papa a month to make, using tweezers and special tools. [I felt like the line of dialog here was wasted space. It doesn't really add any information or characterization. I wonder if there's something "fresher" feeling Petru can do or say, something that better evokes his age, situation, personality, etc. Also, a minor note, but it took me a second to connect to the fact that Petru was saying this since his name was mentioned in the first paragraph, but not in connection to the dialog].
Papa nodded, smiling. [again, this feels, well, a little expected. I mean, it's the obvious reaction a parent would make when handing a gift to a child. I would suggest striving for details that better evoke _your_ characters in _this_ time and place.]
"Business must be bad if no one wants to buy it," said Petru solemnly. "It's one of your best pieces."
"No, business is good. I made it especially for you. Look, we're inside it, you and me."
Papa went downstairs and got a magnifying glass from the workshop. He showed Petru the two figures standing in front of the city, each no bigger than a grain of rice. One had white