This one is for a submission to our favorite sub-pop U.K. Publication. So if you are sensitive to language, sexuality, "Lord of the Fly" type stuff, this one may not be the one for you.
Really interested in how the hook works in this one and potential reviewers for the entire story. Thanks a million.
Lauguage warning
Sonnofabitch! This map was driving him crazy. He couldn't let the other boys in the pack know he couldn't read the damned thing. Crumpling it back up into his sack, he headed over the embankment to get a baring at the creek. He'd sent the pack to scout about. Time to make camp soon. Hotter than hell. No food in two days. Bugs were eating his ass. He knelt down to the stream to smell it and saw the track. It was her. Had to been a witch. Only ones crazy enough to go barefoot out here with the gators, moccasins, and traps. Funny though, used to he ran from witches, but lately since he been a little older and seen this one, bout his age, naked and wilder than a boar sow, he had been after her in some way that seemed to radiate from down where he peed.
Revision
Witchy ****!This map was driving him crazy. Trapper couldn't let the other boys in the pack know he couldn't read the damned thing. Crumpling it back up into his sack, he headed over the ridge to get a bearing at the creek. He'd sent the pack to scout about. Time to make camp soon. Hotter than hell. No food in two days. Bugs eating his ass. He knelt down by the stream to smell it and saw the track. It was her. Had to been a witch. Only ones crazy enough to go barefoot out here with the gators, moccasins, and traps. Funny though, used to he ran from witches, but lately since he been a little older and seen this one, bout his age, naked and wilder than a boar sow, he had been after her in some way that seemed to radiate from down where he peed.
[ November 21, 2011, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by OliverBuckram (Member # 9655) on :
Some quick thoughts:
Sonnofabitch!--sumbitch might communicate a more redneck feel Due to the gators, I assume we are in the southern US.
the pack ==pack? if these are normal american men, i wouldn't use pack. if these are werewolves, fine
embankment==sounds british
baring==bearing?
Hotter than hell. No food in two days. Bugs were eating his ass.==parallel structure suggests removing "were"
It was her. Had to been a witch.==had to be THE witch?
Only ones crazy enough to go barefoot out here with the gators, moccasins, and traps.==i am guessing many readers would think you are referring to footwear, especially when "barefoot" is in the sentence. how about "water moccasins"
bout his age== need apostrophe
A Commy!==if this is a communist, i would said Commie is the traditional spelling.
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
Thanks. I am having trouble ironing out some of the dialect. These are adolescent boys. All adults have been wiped out by biological weapons about a decade or more ago. The kids raised themselves. Witches are girls that have gone off on their own and become almost a supernatural phenomenon as they hone their own mystique rather than slug it out in pack hierarchy.
I agree with all of your edits above except the pack. I was thinking they relate to nature, therefore mimic packs like dogs and coyotes. What do you think?
Posted by OliverBuckram (Member # 9655) on :
Pack works for me. That also helps explain his reference to "where he peed". In this case, not sure why the rest of the pack would expect him to know how to read.
I liked this. The voice, the way it is written and the style, personally. It kept me moving along nicely. I especially liked "he had been after her in some way that seemed to radiate from down where he peed." This is definitely different, the way it's written, and original, at least to me it is.
I Would take a look at it for you, however I have two crit's I am working on right now, and I don't want to over do it. If you are still wanting a reader by next week (should have these two finished by then), you could send it to me. It might not be ready right away, if that's okay.
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
@ C@R3Y- It will take me a few days to do a revision that I am working on. I will send it when I am finished and you can look at it at your leisure. Thanks.
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
Thanks for the leads, and for the feedback Oliver.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
i enjoy the speed and langauge of it, particularly the language (of these 13 lines at least). how long is the entire piece you're looking for readers for? this looks like it could be interesting, though i hope the R warning doesn't indicate the writing becomes gratuitous.
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
About five thousand words. If you can tolerate this intro and the "N" word you can likely handle the rest. It definitely is written for the sake of story and human nature and not gratuitous.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Bent Tree, I'd love to read this. Send it my way when it's ready.
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
Wow, Anne. Long time, friend. I will. Thanks.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
kool, i'm game to read. send it along when you have a chance.
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
Personally, I liked the start of the first version better. Not really sure what "witchy" is. Can't really figure out what word goes in the ****, but I would assume the 'f' word, no doubt. But, to me, I actually did think that "sonofabitch" or "sumbitch", whichever you preferred, started it off nicely, and then you went right into "this map was driving him crazy", but that's just me. x]
However, Trapper, the sentence that follows "map was driving him crazy" should stay. And the rest is good. x]
I don't mean to be the odd man out of the bunch.
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
Well, my revision made this one a bit longer. It stands around 10k now. I will send it out to those that said they would read it.