Delmer Albarado was standing under the dripping awning of his small house on a bluff overlooking the Choluteca River early Saturday morning, keeping an uneasy watch on the torrential rain and the rising waters. He was starring at the avalanche of wood and tin roofing floating toward the roiling black waters. He quickly turned and went inside to wake his wife and daughter.
“It’s gotten worse,” he said as he kneeled by his wife, Kensi. Her eyes slowly opened with a glint of dried away tears. She held their 4-year old daughter, Maria, who had fallen asleep in her arms.
“We need to be going, soon.” He knew he stated the obvious and he tried to hide his despair. He had picked up some food and supplies in Comayaguela, but, like others in Tegucigalpa, had not heeded the warnings on the radio.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
the writing is fairly concise. i think there are one or two runon sentences, or at the least, sentences that go too long, like the first one. maybe end it after 'River', and then form another sentence with the rest.
while i admit that nothing in these first lines especially arrests my attention, as i said, the writing seems strong enough, and if the story isn't too long, i'm willing to read more.
Posted by Uley Bone (Member # 9696) on :
An interesting set up here, with a few small blemishes (mostly in the first and last sentences of what you have up here.) Depending on where this all leads off into (more of a personal preference in reading than an actual critique)-- I'd likely read on, and see what happens next.
Well done Teflonmail.
Uley
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
You've got your characters facing imminent troubles, and that's good. I'd probably turn the page. That said, there were a few things that threw me off here:
Delmer Albarado was standing under the dripping awning of his small house on a bluff overlooking the Choluteca River early Saturday morning, keeping an uneasy watch on the torrential rain and the rising waters. He was starring [staring] at the avalanche of wood and tin roofing floating toward the roiling black waters [I didn't get what was going on here. Where are the wood and tin coming from? I thought the were on the river, but then were are the roiling back waters? And why does this sight cause urgency?]. He quickly turned and went inside to wake his wife and daughter.
“It’s gotten worse,” he said as he kneeled by his wife, Kensi. Her eyes slowly opened with a glint of dried away tears [if the tears have dried away why is there still a glint?]. She held their 4-year old daughter, Maria, who had fallen asleep in her arms.
“We need to be going, soon.” He knew he stated the obvious and he tried to hide his despair. He had picked up some food and supplies in Comayaguela, but, like others in Tegucigalpa, had not heeded the warnings on the radio [my head is starting to reel with these names].
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
quote:Originally posted by telflonmail: ]Delmer Albarado was standing under the dripping awning of his small house on a bluff overlooking the Choluteca River early Saturday morning, keeping an uneasy watch on the torrential rain and the rising waters.(#1- this seems really telling. Is he getting wet? is it pissing him off? #2 Does it really matter that it is Saturday? This is valuable real estate. Unless it is vital to the plot, I would drop this. # 3-"Keeping an uneasy..." this is really passive. )He was starring at the( Again really passive. You could cut the bold and simply say" An avalanche of would crashed down on a tin shed and sent it surging in the flood" or some such) avalanche of wood and tin roofing floating toward the roiling black waters. He quickly (cut)turned and went inside to wake his wife and daughter.
“It’s gotten worse,” he said as he kneeled by his wife, Kensi.( this is really wordy. You could get creative with the attribution here to eliminate most of these and still convey the same image) Her eyes slowly opened with a glint of dried away tears. She held their 4-year old daughter, Maria, who had fallen asleep in her arms.
“We need to be going, soon.” He knew he stated the obvious and he tried to hide his despair. He had picked up some food and supplies in Comayaguela, but, like others in Tegucigalpa, had not heeded the warnings on the radio.
I really like the scene you created and I am already sympathizing with the MC and his wife. I think polishing the prose will really make this shine up nice.
Posted by Dame (Member # 8513) on :
Hi,
Watch out for "ings." If you find one in a sentence, have a look around and you are bound to find more. In the first sentence, you have seven!
"Was somethinging" is a slow way to use verbs. If you want a more taut feel, cut all the wases you can. He stood under the dripping awning.
I find this a strong opening image, weakened by loose verbs and too much info in that first sentence.
If it is in his POV, then he knows it is his house, and his actions in it will let the reader know that soon enough. Do we need to know the day? You don't need to say torrential rain, having implied it with the dripping earlier.
This sentence, "He was starring at the avalanche of wood and tin roofing floating toward the roiling black waters," doesn't make sense to me. Is the avalanche floating towards him or away? "Was staring" is slow again. "Stared" is stronger, but staring is also a bit of a weak thing to do. We know he is watching already, so you could just describe what the avalanche does - "An avalanche of wood and tin roofing floated..."
Saying "his wife and daughter" really distances us from him. It is obvious that someone else is describing what he did. He knows their names, so I would use them. You can and do show the relationship in the very next para. You also repeat the fact they are his wife and daughter twice. IMO, you don't need both, and they work better in the second para than in the first.
Seeing as I don't feel too confident now, "despair" stands out as too much, without supporting information as to why.
The two long names are incomprehensible to me. I suppose one is a village, another a province or country, but I would cut the second and find a way to explain ASAP what the first one actually is.
You have a strong hook there, quickly established. If you can equally quickly demonstrate more control over the reader's journey into the tale, I think it will work well.
Good luck.
D
Posted by telflonmail (Member # 9501) on :
Saturday is an important temporal starting point as most shops in Honduras are closed on Sunday.
Without stating that Delmer is calm, he acts calm in the midst of danger knowing that he will, most probably, lose his house and possibly his family as the river rises. His decision to not evacuate will haunt him and will be a turning point in his life, because he believes he knows - not the government - what is best for himself and his family.