Let me know if you would read on/what needs to be fixed/and whatever else. It was just a little flash fiction story I decided to write (and actually, it started out as only 55 words because I was going to send it to "The World's Shortest Stories". I still have the 55 word version, so I still might send that one to it) x]
Anyway, I'm also looking for readers, and maybe a trade, if your story, or short excerpt from a novel, is around the 2,000 word or less ballpark.
In the beginning, Emily-M was born a hunger-baby, who ate anything and everything, from non-edible treats like small plastic toys, to smashed bloody animal hinds on the side of the street. As she grew older, she’d lure grown-ups and big kids to her house, crying bout being lost and not being able to find her way home. Bringing them to her house made her excited. She liked to skin them alive, stick a thick straw through their soft warm skin, then slurp the blood out of their pumping veins like a tasty cherry-flavored smoothie. Halfway through her life, she owned a restaurant, hid her secret life well by becoming rich, getting married to some ex-Marine named Rick Vandick, and pretending to blend in with society by being the stupid-boring "normal" woman she loathed all her life.
Posted by Uley Bone (Member # 9696) on :
Phew! Heading off into "Extreme Horror" on this one.
The character is definitely interesting. Being a medic, I'd say you may want to reconsider the straw ala blood slurping from pumping veins. Pooled blood a possibility I suppose, or that she has some kind of special rig set up for just such an occasion.Once severed, veins most often retract and you may even consider and artery over a vein. I can't speak for taste, but richly oxygenated blood that has not already be sapped by the body itself seems, for some reason, more logical to me.
"Hid her secret life well by becoming rich". While that closing sentence just kind of rips along through a whole bunch of different points (I get it, micro fiction)-- I'd consider retooling that bit of it, if nothing else. While it may have availed her to resources that a non-rich person may have access, she obviously must have hid it well prior to owning the restaurant.
Just a few thoughts as I read, and I hope it helps.
Uley
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
Thanks Uley. T'was definitely helpful x]
Your take on it gave me some bits to think about and helped me with what to work on when revising it.