quote:

---

They haunted even my earliest memories, skulking about in my peripheral vision. Whenever I turned my head to get a better view, they vanished like the morning mist. Mama cooed and stroked my cheek while she fed me; and for a while, her soothing voice helped me to forget. It was always looming though, deep in the recesses of my mind, the sense of her subconscious trepidation, the apprehension that she had long ago forgotten -- or perhaps learned to ignore. I was convinced -- as certain as my tiny infant mind could allow -- that we were not alone in that room.
They shuffled and scraped the floor, lurking about in my nursery at night. Their hot wispy breath upon my skin robbed me of peaceful dreams. In the darkness, they taunted me, drifting in and out of my view, long enough for me to see them, but never clearly.

---

 

---

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
 
Send it to me.
 

---

Posted by WakefieldMahon (Member # 9555) on :
 
Thank you Merlion-Emrys
 

---

Posted by Leslie (Member # 9702) on :
 
I like it. It definately makes me want to read more. I would suggest change "morning mist" it feels predictable. And since you are talking about the memories of an infant I would hold off on words like subconscious trepidation...of course you could certainly use that phrase later. Keep it simple as you are describing infant memories.

But overall, as I said I liked it. You built good suspense. The sentence that starts with "their hot wispy breath" is wonderful! I would turn the page.
 

---

Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
 
at 2200 words, i'll take a read. at the moment, the only thing that pops to mind is that these first lines can probably be condensed into one, maybe two really strong lines. but yeah, i'll take a read.
 

---

Posted by WakefieldMahon (Member # 9555) on :
 
@Leslie thank you for your input

@Denevius thanks for the read offer, it should be in your inbox now.
 

---

Posted by pdblake (Member # 9218) on :
 
I like it, but feel there are an awful lot of big words there for an infant. I think you are trying to convey memories but it reads more like the POV of the infant, not an adult remembering, but with an adult's vocabulary.
 

---

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
 
I realize that the title of the story is "They" but by the first paragraph I was annoyed that we didn't know more about what "they" were, what they look like, etc. We know only that they shuffle and scrape and have hot wispy breath. Even if the MC can't see them, he or she must have _some_ impression of their shape, esp if they shuffle and scrape (these are slow movements).
 

---

Posted by WakefieldMahon (Member # 9555) on :
 
Thank you to Denevius and Merlion-Emrys for your very helpful reviews.

@annepin I'm considering changing the title to "Unseen" as that is the central point of the story.
 

---