Alrighty. I'm going for one of those mystery stories where each piece of revealed info unfolds into another question. (Although that's not reflected this early.) I'm hoping I can pull it off.
Meanwhile, any and all comments on the below welcome. (Can't get to the mystery part if the opening is lame.)
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Wilson Chandler huddled in the semi-darkness of his view-room, sifting through the memories of Jackson Torres. So far, he'd yet to find anything interesting. Or, to be more precise, anything Memoroptics' customers would purchase. Wilson eyed the mist before him and flicked away Jackson's wedding day with his index finger. The memories flew off into the trash bin for permanent erasure. In the past, when Memoroptics was in its infancy, people watched everything. Now people only paid for what they could physically augment their babies with in utero. Talents. Lights flared to life overhead. Wilson slammed his eyes shut and paused the mist. "Wilson, you done with that guy yet?" Franklin, Wilson's boss...
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
First off, I dig this.
I wonder if we need to know Jackson Torres's name. Not knowing the rest of the story, I just don't know, but if his name isn't important, I'd drop it. Too many names can be hard.
quote: Now people only paid for what they could physically augment their babies with in utero. Talents.
I found this kind of awkward. I'd substitute "Talents" for the "what" and drop the second sentence.
Semi-darkness feels like a non-word to me.
It resonates with some stuff I've seen before and I'd love to read more.
Posted by rcmann (Member # 9757) on :
If the guy's memories are being erased, I hope he's dead. This sounds fascinating.
Posted by TempestDash (Member # 9026) on :
This is good, and I'm hooked. Nice job.
Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :
All,
Thanks for the positive feedback and thoughts!
Brett, Jackson's name is important, but the boss' isn't. Consider it gone.
Axe
Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :
I see little wrong prose-wise, but I was mainly reading for story content than grammar mistakes. I found it all a little hard to follow what is going on. Too much info without enough explanation. Maybe if you try not to pack so much in all at once and spread it out a bit more?
Posted by Geoff Hawthorne (Member # 9772) on :
I like it, interesting opening. The one thing that pinged at me was "So far, he'd yet to find anything interesting." It seems like "So far" is redundant when coupled with "he'd yet". Cutting "So far" makes the sentence sound cleaner and more clinical for how Wilson feels about his work. Good stuff, I'd like to read more!
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Hi Axe,
I'm hooked by the idea, which is neat.
I think perhaps your reveal has an issue. You could perhaps take a little longer with it as it is a hook in itself, so there is no real hurry.
Are you also suggesting specific memories = talents? People may take exception to that. Someone could remember having painted a masterpiece but still not be able to produce a new picture of equal quality (in my mind at least). I would perhaps talk about stuff 'behind' the memories...
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
How do you pause a mist? Lol. Sorry. But that kind of sounds like something they would make fun of on Family Guy, and that's actually kind of a compliment because it kind of made me chuckle. I would choose a different way to say "pause a mist". It's not a major problem, but the first thing you made me think of was Family Guy when I saw that part, and I don't think you want that in this kind of setting.
I really like the name Jackson Torres, and for a second I couldn't figure out why. Then I thought about The Shining and thought about Jack Torrance, and I think that was why I liked that name so much. It's got the... hmmm... ring to it. Not sure how else to explain it.
On more important matters, I like the atmosphere you are giving us. It is sooo... I don't know... so very "Mystery" like, and I believe that is what you were going for. If so, you did a good damn job.
In fact, I don't read enough mystery. You should send me this when you're finished, because I feel like this will be a change from my norm and it sounds interesting enough to keep me reading on. =]
Posted by pdblake (Member # 9218) on :
I'd keep reading, sounds fine just as it is.
Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :
Thanks for the new responses, everyone. I figured this one would just go by the wayside.
@Crystal. If you don't mind, I'm taking your post as a compliment. However, it does echo Skadder's comments, so I may see about spacing things out.
@Geoff - I agree with the double. I prefer the sound of it tho. Sounds a bit truncated without the "so far". I'm sure I'll be revising as time goes on, so I'll keep this in mind.
@Skadder - No. Talents, like Billy Joel can sing and he can play piano. You can't be injected with the talent for singing, but imagine if all his years of practice weren't lost when he died. What if all his knowledge and his practice were in a syringe. From birth, you're a virtuoso on piano. I'd buy that sort of thing for my kid.
@C@R3Y - picture a guy sitting in the dark by one of music studio decks with the gazillion switches. Light emanates from below a swirling mist displaying the memories of the person whose plugged in. He reaches into the mist and manipulates what he sees. Saving some, trashing others. Eventually, the corpse is empty and is discarded.
I can send this your way when I'm done, if you'd like.
@pdblake - thank you. Much appreciated.
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
I understand. I was just giving you a hard time with the Family Guy comment, Ha Ha. But I did understand it. =]
And that would be awesome. Send away whenever you're ready.
Posted by Utahute72 (Member # 9057) on :
Axe I really like the description you gave to Corey, any way to work some of that into the opening.
Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :
Jim,
That's a good idea. Plus that would slow things down a bit. =)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)