The last time I posted this it was just an idea. I've fleshed it out since then and am looking for readers. As always any crits on the first 13 are welcome. And I'm always willing to trade stories with anyone who crits mine.
So here's the first 13:
Screeching brakes carried my car within inches of the SUV at the stop light. Thank God I didn’t rear-end him, but how often does one see a large silvery craft sticking above every other vehicle in a MegaMart parking lot? And not just any MegaMart, but the one I manage.
I turned into the parking lot and stopped for shoppers crossing in front of the grocery entrance, but my gaze kept drifting to the odd craft that occupied three double parking spaces. Now why would a shuttlecraft land here? If that’s what it was.
An impatient honk let me know I could drive on, and I parked at the lot’s far end. Snow blew down my neck with goose bumps pricking my skin the instant I exited the car. I pulled my
Posted by rcmann (Member # 9757) on :
You should explain the absence of cops investigating something like that. It can't possibly be street legal. No license plate. Also well as the absence of a crowd of casual observers.
Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :
Hmmmmmm... I hadn't thought about that, and it makes perfect sense. I do mention about shoppers pointing at the craft and discussing it among themselves once my MC nears and enters the store. Most of them think its some kind of publicity stunt, which accounts for the absence of the law that shows up later.
Are you interested in swapping stories?
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
Send it to me. I'm better with whole pieces than I am with 13 lines.
=]
Posted by angel011 (Member # 9765) on :
I'd expect shoppers pointing at the craft to show up in the first 13 - if there's a bunch of them surrounding it on the parking lot, shouldn't your MC see them immediately?
Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :
Not so if the pilot is in the store. I've seen publicity stunts at stores before, and if most people think that's what is it, I doubt if they'd go snooping around. Most people don't have time to do anything but gawk at something like that on their way to and from the store these days. I know I wouldn't do more than that if I had only a limited amount of time to go into the store and do my shopping. After all, if it was something important, it'd be on the evening news where I could hear all about it.
Also, it's a cold winter day. Would you stand around something like that when you could be in a nice warm store?
Everything is explained in my story if you care to read it. Interested?
Posted by angel011 (Member # 9765) on :
I'm not sure I'll manage to critique it before the next weekend. If that's all right with you, sure, send it. Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :
Okay. I'll try to send it out to you and Devon sometime this week.
Anyone else?
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
I believe I commented on a previous incarnation of this opening-- at least I read it-- but in either case it seems good to me except for the third and fifth sentence. To me they seem overly long. Shorter is good for action and tension and I hear that some readers can get bored with Looong sentences. Not sure if those two are that long but it does seem to break up the pacing a little-- at least for me.
I think that's all I have for this one.
Posted by xenomaniac (Member # 9790) on :
Hi Crystal,
you had me at "large silvery craft sticking above every other vehicle" ! Kindly send over the story, would love to read it.
Just a few pointers: Screeching brakes "carried" my car - dont make sense to me. While I get the visual of smoking tires and burning rubber smell, just "screeching brakes stopped" woulda sufficed.
Am assuming there's a tension buildup like in the War of the Worlds where everyday shoppers are running around helter-skelter scared on seeing that alien craft there? Or like a bunch of burly fat cops chewing thier burgers and waving sticks, saying "this is police jury-is-my-dick-tion" kinda thing, around a yellow tape etc.
Kindly Send Over, will read it for sure!
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
Send it along. =]
Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :
I've sent this story out to all who asked to crit. I hope I didn't miss anyone .
![[Smile]](smile.gif)