Actually of my new Word processor on my computer. As many of you know I couldn't read the side comments the newer WPs can do. It looks like I can now.
So I would not only like a crit on this story but I would like it done with the side comment feature. If possible. The story is a flash tale that comes in at 496 words. It's almost a general fiction tale with one spec element.
Here are the first Nine lines. It's so short fifteen might be a third of the story. Hmm, it seems to have been condensed to four long lines. Oh well I'll just leave it as is.
Tommy ran around the bases naked. Some of his teammates looked at him in amazement, others turned their heads, two laughed. The other team stared with mouths open. A little dog laughed to see such a sport. He ran across home plate, continued to the dugout where he dressed and went home. Later he explained, “I wanted to shake things up, to break people out of their complacency.” No one saw him leave. His teammates looked for him because the coach of the other team wanted him disqualified.
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
Send it along. =]
Posted by JackValentine (Member # 9798) on :
I don't understand the part about the dog. Is it a character?
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
He turns into one. Originally the idea was that he was just a strange extra but I decided he needed more time.
Posted by JackValentine (Member # 9798) on :
I think that is the wrong place for the dog. It seems to be really out of place there. If your gonna put him there I think you need to explain him then and there, or wait to introduce him. Just my personal opinion, but, as a reader, that just leaves me scratching my head saying: "What?" Not to just focus on the dog. You accomplish the fact that as a reader, I want to know just what the heck is going.
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
Thanks for the comment JackV. I can't say if I agree with you or not, It's a very short story and it's one of my simple tales. Something I did more for practice and to see if I could.
Actually, it's longer than I wanted it to be. I was going for around a 100 words.
Posted by History (Member # 9213) on :
Hi, LD. I liked this.
You start with (a humerous and shocking) action as a hook and succintly contrast the MC from everyone else. His motivation is clearly presented as is the conflict he has with the "complacency" that surrounds him.
Only the dog and a couple of teammates get it. [I like the literary allusion to the nursery rhyme, though your MC is more like Georgie Porgey than Jack of broken crown fame. You may wish to consider removing the "a" "A little dog laughed to see such sport."]
He also knows when to leave in order for people to think of what happened not just react to the event.
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
Thanks Dr. Bob.
And the dog comes in more later though and talks. My MC also comes back the next day at practice where more of the same type of stuff happens.