This is almost all there is so far, and I think it's destiny is flash length (despite the slow start). All comments are appreciated.
1st thirteen (Version 2):
The little girl Sibbi came to me on a winter’s morning with a question tilting her pink lips. She held one of the ugly yellow spineflowers that thrive at this altitude.
“Da-Wensir, who made the flowers?” she asked, twisting the thorny thing between two fingers.
I nearly spoke the practiced lie, but Sibbi was my favorite. She had wild dark hair and eyes the color of glacial ice. Those eyes reminded me of a daughter whose name I have sealed from my memory. “Who do you think made them, little one?” I asked.
“The one whose back is the mountains?” she asked, her face hoping she was wrong.
1st thirteen (Version 1):
Of the living, only I saw our creation. I have worn many names, but these folk call me Wensir, because my eyes are dark with the engraving of years. I am not the creator, but I expect I will be called that long after I die, as will some of my brothers who died far from here.
The little girl Sibbi came on a winter’s morning with a question tilting her pink lips. She held one of the ugly yellow spineflowers that lives only at this altitude, and in dwindling numbers as they are being eaten by the climbing beasts that now crouch in the snowy crags.
“Da'Wensir, who made the flowers?” she asked, twisting the thorny thing between two fingers.
I nearly spoke the practiced lie, but Sibbi was my favorite.
[ July 23, 2012, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: alliedfive ]
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I like the tone of this (a lot) but I have a few issues with it.
The first 3 lines tells me too much, you could drip feed this sort of thing in the storu as it develops--it feels a little forced. I'd drop them.
...eyes are dark with the engraving of the years.
Sounds nice, but doesn't mean much to me as dark eyes means the opposite of blue eyes and I can't visualise 'engraving' on them.. If it was:
...face is ancient, engraved by the years.
That would work for me as as an ancient face is lined and crinkled.
I think I 'd prefer you started with 'The little girl...' although the explanation of why the flowers are dwindling (is that really required?) goes on to long (and, as, that...) and seems a little vague (climbing creatures) and purposeless.
Otherwise I like the style, the smoothness of the prose etc.
Posted by mayflower988 (Member # 9858) on :
"Of the living, only I saw our creation." Just curious, he says "our" creation, but how did he see his own creation? It just seems to me like only the creator would witness the creation. The created things/people would only become conscious at the moment they began to exist, which would be at the moment of or just after their creation. So that confused me a little.
"I am not the creator, but I expect I will be called that long after I die, as will some of my brothers who died far from here." Confusing, but intriguing. I guess the narrator is so old, people think he/she is the creator. Why would the brothers be called creator? Why did they die "far from here"?
"with a question tilting her pink lips." LOVE the phrasing.
"I nearly spoke the practiced lie, but Sibbi was my favorite." I had to read this sentence twice, but I like it now. I think I initially read it as "I neatly spoke", so that may be what messed me up. Just something to think about - if it confuses other people too, you may want to choose a different word.
But I think this is one of the best hooks I've read on here. Good job.
Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :
I like it. I like the last paragrpahs the best, the first is telling and while it works it doesnt quite flow for me into the rest of the story. I would suggest considering starting with the child, and working the first paragrpah in later.
Good start though.
Posted by rcmann (Member # 9757) on :
I agree. Start with the girl.
Posted by JoBird (Member # 9883) on :
Basically, I agree with Tiergan and rcmann. Drop the first paragraph. It just comes across, in my opinion, as pretension this early in your story. It would probably be easier to swallow later, after I've gotten to know the character a little better.
Also, I found this line:
quote:She held one of the ugly yellow spineflowers that lives only at this altitude, and in dwindling numbers as they are being eaten by the climbing beasts that now crouch in the snowy crags.
...awkward. I'd suggest breaking it up into two sentences.
Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :
Thanks, guys. Version 2 is up.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I like it--the hook is strengthened with the last line.
Posted by mayflower988 (Member # 9858) on :
Bravo. I wouldn't change a thing.
Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :
Finished this little story up just now. Flash length, like I thought. 872 words, if anyone would like to read it.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I'll give it a read.
Posted by mayflower988 (Member # 9858) on :
I would, please!
Posted by JoBird (Member # 9883) on :