Genre: Speculative Fiction/Urban Horror; Est. Word Length: 6000; Looking for readers
I opened my eyes to Song Ji Hun crouched on the edge of my bed. “There’s been a murder,” he said, fast, too fast, but we were alone in my apartment, and it didn’t matter that he didn’t sound human.
“What’s a murder?” I asked him. Ji Hun’s sharp, attractive face belied nothing at my question. His black hair cut short and perfectly spiked, his pale features angular, his cream shirt and khaki pants both European brand names, Ji Hun looked the lead singer of a K-pop boy group. But I hated him, for the knowledge he had that he doled out to me in scraps only when it was in his interest. I hated to ask him anything, yet the word murder had to be code for something. It couldn’t possibly mean for us what it did to the living. How did the dead die?
[ August 10, 2012, 01:39 AM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by robertq (Member # 5265) on :
Don't know why anyone's given feedback on this.
Overall, it's got plenty of hook, it just needs some smoothing of flow IMO. Here's some minor re-arranging.
I opened my eyes to find Ji Hun sitting on the edge of my bed. “There’s been a murder,” he said. The words came faster than any human vocal apparatus could perform. Since we were alone in my apartment, and it didn’t matter that he didn’t sound human.
“What’s a murder?” I asked him. Ji Hun’s sharp (I'm picturing blade-like, since you've established that they're not human,) His attractive face belied nothing at my question. Ji Hun looked the lead singer of a K-pop boy group. His black hair was cut short and perfectly spiked, his pale features angular, his cream shirt and khaki pants both European brand names.
I hated him, for the knowledge he had that he doled out to me in scraps only when it was in his interest. I hated to ask him anything, yet the word murder had to be code for something. It couldn’t possibly mean for us what it did to the living. How did the dead die?
-------------------
Sorry, it was easier to just re-structure it a bit. Otherwise, I'd keep reading.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
No problem with the restructuring, and thanks for the feedback!
todd
Posted by Tryndakai (Member # 9427) on :
I don't really agree with Robert's restructuring . . . I though it read better, in fact, the way you wrote it to begin with . . . but that's one reader's opinion, of course.
The interesting thing that I think works really well for me is this: It really kinda bugged me as I was reading, that the MC could be unfamiliar with a word like "murder," and yet know all about things like European brand names and a "K-pop group." So I was frowning about that, and thinking there was a serious flaw in the logic of the story . . . when those last two lines come along and completely reshape my understanding of the situation. And I'm like, "Wait, what? Oooh, funnn . . . "
So, as a hook, these first 13 worked very well for me. The readjust came quickly enough that I (as a reader) can easily forgive my earlier moment of frustration, and actually the fact that I was frustrated makes me even more excited, now that I know you *do* know what you're doing.
I'd be happy to read through what you've got. Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Thanks for the response, Tryndakai. I'll send it along in a day or two. I had made some changes since I posted this three weeks ago that I'm just wrapping up now.
Thanks again for the offer.
todd
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Hey Tryndakai, I sent the story along to you. Thanks again!
todd
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
I'll have look. It is a fun hook but I'm a bit biased as I've read some of your other work.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Hey babooher, I just sent it to you. Thanks for the offer to read.
Cheers.
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
I have some time now, while waiting for my WotFQ4 story to be critted one last time, so I can comment on openings. Not enough time to read it though. Not my type anyway,
But to me the opening wasn't bad, it had all types of info the would pull a reader in. Like the fact they aren't human stated at the end, the fact that the MC wasn't sure what a murder was.
The info dump describing Ji Hun's clothing could use a bit of work, to me it seemed too long for an opening.
The at in "nothing at my question" seemed a little odd in it's wording.
"But I hated him, for the knowledge he had that he doled out to me in scraps only when it was in his interest. " said everything clearly but at the same time seemed too long and wordy.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Thanks for the comments, LDWriter.
Posted by Brent Silver (Member # 9929) on :
If you're still looking for readers, I'll be happy to take a look at it.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
I sent you a copy, let me know if it opens correctly. Thanks for the offer to read!
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
"![[Smile]](smile.gif)
The readjust came quickly enough that I (as a reader) can easily forgive my earlier moment of frustration, and actually the fact that I was frustrated makes me even more excited, now that I know you *do* know what you're doing.