I haven't posted up here in awhile--been really busy, school, two jobs, struggling with some internal matters that have been slowing me down...
Anyway, that's not important. Here's a story I wrote for my Creative Writing class I am currently taking just for fun. It already went through a few reviews from my classmates today (but I haven't changed anything as of yet) and now I would like to see what my fellow Hatrackians have to say about it. All comments are welcome. I am also looking for full reads. They would be greatly appreciated and I would be MORE than happy to return the favor. ______________________________________________________________
Haley struggled through the marsh, the fog obscuring her vision, her clothes sticking to her wet skin in the cold. The sky cried, lashing out with a thunderous roar, startling her and making her jump, shifting the contents in the bag on her back. She stared through the fog, ripping a hole into its obscurity. “Tenny, I’ve brought you something.” Plop! The sound of an object dropped into the thick marsh. “Tenny, where are you?” “Did you do the deed?” Tenny’s sweet, calm voice floated through the wet and cool atmosphere. “I did.” “Then please, let me come to you.”
Posted by lizluka (Member # 9916) on :
I would suggest cleaning up the prose a bit. The first two sentences might provide more tension if you broke them up a bit. Also, I think 'Plop!' contradicts the mood--it suggests a more light-hearted story to me, while the rest of the lines seemed to lean more towards something dark and mysterious. Anyway, take it all with a grain of salt;)
There is a lot of mystery in the setup--who/what is Tenny, what is the relationship between Tenny and Haley, what is the deed, who instigated the doing of the deed, why are they in a marsh, etc. It could make a very interesting read:)
Posted by GhostWriter (Member # 9963) on :
I was wondering what we are called here at hatrack. "Hatrackians" yea, I can get used to that... Anyway back to business as usual.
I agree with lizluka on cleaning up the prose. Short sentences keep things intense, while longer sentences give a certain elegance to it.
"The sky cried, Lashing out with a thunderous roar, startling her and making her jump, shifting the contents in the bag on her back" I like the description, but the length took away from the feeling. (Unless this was your goal to begin with.)
"She stared through the fog, ripping a hole into its obscurity." Confusing. unless she as x-ray vision (which she could...) or can control air, it sounds as if the fog doesn't inhibit her in the slightest. (which, as you said before, it does.)
Lizluka, I agree with you again. "Plop" does slow down the moment and adds a bit of comedy to this darker moment. (All of my critique is based off the assumption that this is a intense moment, If I am wrong, just let me know.)
Love the description: "Tenny's sweet, calm voice floated through the wet and cool atmosphere." It makes me ask some BIG questions about Tenny. How is she soft and sweet in such a gloomy and dark place? Who is Tenny? What is the deed? How is Tenny being held back by Haley? Nice job.
UG, I always write a book when I do this, but hey, better than a "great job" short post... Anyway it was a pleasure to read! Good luck in the class fellow Hatrackian!
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
"Haley struggled through the marsh, the fog obscuring her vision, her clothes sticking to her wet skin in the cold."
Consider describing the actions, sensations, and emotions of Haley's struggles "through the marsh, the fog obscuring her vision, her clothes sticking to her wet skin in the cold." Using sensations rather than summarizations grounds readers in the physical world of a narrative with a perspective character's struggles and allows for expressing commentary about the sensations, what they emotionally mean to a perspective character.
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
Thank you guys. This is quite helpful. Quite helpful indeed!
Oh, and Ghostwriter, I actually don't know if that's what we are called--"Hatrackians". Just something I spit out I guess. :]
Posted by GhostWriter (Member # 9963) on :
Haha, I figured as much , but I think it is going to stick anyway. You are on to something there and I'm gonna run with it!
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Uhm, well, most people around here have called themselves "Hatrackers," for whatever that may be worth.
Posted by GhostWriter (Member # 9963) on :
Eh tomatos, tomatos. (doesn't really work when I type it out...) Good to know though, Thanks Kathleen.
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
Heh heh. I figured there was some name. I just haven't been on in awhile to really keep up with them or remember them.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the first one to come up with it. Heh heh.
Posted by SR Dev (Member # 9986) on :
Haley struggled through the marsh, the fog obscuring her vision, her clothes sticking to her wet skin in the cold. The sky cried, lashing out with a thunderous roar, startling her and making her jump, ((startling her and making her jump seems excessive)) shifting the contents in the bag on her back. She stared through the fog, ripping a hole into its obscurity. (how does she rip a hole into its obscurity with just her eyes?) “Tenny, I’ve brought you something.” Plop! The sound of an object dropped into the thick marsh. “Tenny, where are you?” “Did you do the deed?” Tenny’s sweet, calm voice floated through the wet and cool atmosphere.(it feels a little clunky to have four adjetives in one sentence) “I did.” “Then please, let me come to you.”
Overall I found myself wondering what was going on, not in a want to know more way, but in a confusion way a little bit.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
, but I think it is going to stick anyway. You are on to something there and I'm gonna run with it!