Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Playing God

This is topic Playing God in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by GhostWriter (Member # 9963) on :

Hey everyone! Just wanted to post this up and see what you all think of it. It is a complete flash fiction (just over 850 words) and I was wondering if it was solid in the eyes of the infamous hatrackians. Just asking for a full critique, but if you want to read the rest, just let me know. Thanks.
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Here I stand, staring at the two identical cliché red buttons. All I have to do is press one, and everyone I know dies. All my friends and family explode in a giant fireball along with every other blasted man in what was left of my ship. The air locks did their job just fine, that wasn't the problem. It was the asteroids.

The soft sound of small rocks hitting my ship echoed in the quiet emptiness. Our shields were down and there wasn't the slightest chance they were coming back on. My electric meter measured just above completely empty, bobbing up and down tauntingly.

Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :

This is really really great. Hooked by the first two lines.

I'd like to read the rest if you want to send it my way. [Smile]

Posted by GhostWriter (Member # 9963) on :

Thanks compliment and the read! Sent it your way.

Posted by LewisC (Member # 9973) on :

Hi. My first thought is that you mention two identical red buttons but only describe one action. You then talk about the rocks and the energy levels.

Why two buttons? Do they just look identical or do they do the same thing?

Also, I'm not sure why the airlocks are mentioned. I paused there and reread it before I could on. It left me feeling puzzled.

You start with a great hook. Has me wondering why blowing the ship up is possibly the best solution.

LewisC

Posted by GhostWriter (Member # 9963) on :

Wow, Thanks Lewis... I didn't even notice that... Good catch.

I think I have a way to kill pretty much every bird with one stone.

backstory and why I mention airlocks:
The ship was torn in two, airlocks saved the passengers and his family on both pieces, but there is another large astroid coming at them. He only has enough energy to either push himself out of the way with his thrusters, or push the other piece of his ship away with his family on it and kill himself (and the other passengers with him) instead.

I think I will just rewrite and explane all this in the beginning paragraph... I can utilize the longer sentences as "the calm before the storm." while giving the back story. Thanks for the tip.

Posted by redux (Member # 9277) on :

Hi! This really hooks the reader and I definitely want to learn more. It's a very good beginning.

I did notice that the verb tense shifts. The first sentences are in the present tense, while the last sentences are in the past tense. Because it's a flash piece, I would suggest sticking to one tense.

Also, cliché is a noun while clichéd is an adjective. So you'd want to use clichéd red buttons.

I apologize if all this sounds like nitpicking, but grammar is always easily fixed, and I want to emphasize that your first lines content-wise are good.

Best of luck!

Posted by enigmaticuser (Member # 9398) on :

I like it. If I wasn't over obligated, I would love to read it.

Posted by GhostWriter (Member # 9963) on :

Thanks Redux! Please, feel free to pick this thing to pieces! I want to be better, and the only way to do that is to accept the honest truth that I make mistakes, and I can learn from those. Thanks again for critiquing, keep up the good honest work [Wink]

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Enigmaticuser, thanks for the compliment. A little confused though, would you like to read it or no. (Sorry, I am a little dense sometimes....)

Posted by LewisC (Member # 9973) on :

Oh, I get it. Sounds good. I wouldn't mind reading the rest when you're ready.

LewisC