After receiving feedback that this story started waaaay too slow. I have revised. I also cut it from 7k to 3k so that it would qualify for a contest. Here are my new first thirteen. I am looking for someone interested in doing a swap, and critique on the first 13, of course. It's a horror story btw.
Katherine watched from the kitchen window, in horror, as a shadow separated from the dark forest surrounding her house and lunged for the teenage girls that walked from Katherine’s driveway to her front porch. The shadow loomed over them like a skyscraper made from night. Katherine ran for the door, hoping the shadow hadn’t snatched the girls into the darkness. She knew the shadows were alive. She had heard their voices—whispers calling to her—she had thought, but they had used a name she couldn’t decipher.
She pulled the door open, darted over the threshold, and stepped around the girls to shield them from the darkness. Katherine whipped her head around, looking for the evil, but saw nothing.
“Uh…trick or treat?” one of the girls said.
Katherine jumped, spun around and looked at the girl who had spoken. Was this some kind of joke?
[ December 07, 2012, 01:33 AM: Message edited by: babygears81 ]
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
If you're going to get rid of the comma after 'said' in the first sentence, then I'd write it like this:
“Kit, I want a divorce,” Katherine’s husband, Dick, had said a year ago.
Just a thought.
Phil.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
hello. sure, i'll swap with you. i'll send mine along when you send your piece.
todd
Posted by babygears81 (Member # 9745) on :
Denevius-Perfect! I just read the comment on your post and was going to suggest the same. I'll send it right over. Thanks!
Grumpy old guy-That is how I had initially written the sentence. I can't even remember why I changed it, but I did. Guess I'll change it back. Posted by SR Dev (Member # 9986) on :
I'm grammar expert but the commas around "in horror" strike me as odd. Feel free to tell me I'm wrong on this one.
The first sentence also felt a little too long to grab me. I think we can watch the shadow move out of the forest and then have a separate sentence where it lunges after the teenage girls.
The skyscraper made of night, was evocative but rang a little weird to me, skyscrapers don't evoke fear in me, also saying something towers like a skyscraper felt a little redundant idk.
The she knew the shadows were alive bit felt a little abrupt, too. I think maybe you need more of transition.
I like the idea of the shadow though, and you're starting from a compelling place of action.
Posted by babygears81 (Member # 9745) on :
Thanks for the feeback SR Dev. I'll go back and tinker some more.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)