Piece is very short, 1,300 words, would love for someone to take a look at it if they have time. Here's the hook:
January in Caribou, Maine, and heat and humidity poisoned the air. Marina slapped her grimy hands on her skinned knees, bent over, panting. She couldn't walk anymore. Spiked Kapok trees towered above her, their trunks consumed by Strangler Figs, leaves forming a canopy of darkness.
"John?" Sweat pooled in the small of her back before trickling downward. More water she couldn't afford to lose. "We're not going to find anything out here."
John stopped a few paces in front of her, resting one hand on his empty holster, the other on a tangle of vines.
No response. Typical. He always gave her the silent treatment when he knew she was right. They had no idea which way civilization was. No idea if it even existed anymore.
[ January 29, 2013, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
I'll take a look at it SR Dev. But, before I do, do you want a critique or an edit? The difference? With a critique I give my opinion on the 'key' elements of the story: milieu building, character building, character growth, conflict, plot, atmosphere, tension and, occasionally, a pat on the back. With an edit I take an axe to you ms and cut and add stuff willy-nilly -- all with comments.
Phil.
Posted by SR Dev (Member # 9986) on :
An edit would be lovely.
And sorry that I ran over Kathleen! Whoops. Thanks for the quick snip.
Posted by telflonmail (Member # 9501) on :
Grumpy should give it a nice chop.
Here's an idea from this that IMHO would be a better start to grab the reader.
Take the last sentence from the second paragraph followed by the first sentence of the same paragraph.
Take the first sentence of the fourth paragraph.
Take the second sentence of the fourth paragraph through the end of the paragraph.
Posted by History (Member # 9213) on :
Just a question: How familiar are you with Caribou, Maine?
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
Posted by Bruce King (Member # 10018) on :
I like this opening.
Obviously we are in an alternate or different world when Maine is like a tropical jungle. However, I immediately tripped over your sentence structure with, "...and heat, and humidity..."
I like alternate dystopian story worlds, they are fun to explore. Posted by SR Dev (Member # 9986) on :
"We're not going to find anything out here." Marina slapped her grimy hands on her skinned knees, bent over, panting.
It was January in Caribou, Maine, but heat and humidity poisoned the air. Sweat pooled in the small of her back, trickling downward. More water she couldn't afford to lose. "John?"
Typical. He always gave her the silent treatment when he knew she was right. They had no idea which way civilization was. No idea if it even existed anymore.
(Spiked Kapok trees towered above her, their trunks consumed by Strangler Figs, leaves forming a canopy of darkness.)
I know this runs over the first thirteen, but I put this in parenthesis to ask if it feels like now we're talking about the rainforest too late in the opening.
I have to say know little about Caribou, Maine, other than what google tells me. I just picked a place that would feel the "coldest" so that having it be a rainforest would feel very arresting. Is there something important I should know?
Version 3:
"We're not going to find anything out here." Marina slapped her grimy hands on her skinned knees, bent over, panting.
It was January in Caribou, Maine, but heat and humidity poisoned the air. Sweat pooled in the small of her back, trickling downward. More water she couldn't afford to lose. "John?"
John stopped a few paces in front of her, resting one hand on his empty holster, the other on a tangle of vines, saying nothing.
Typical. He always gave her the silent treatment when he knew she was right. "Do we even know where we're going?"
Spiked Kapok trees towered above her, their trunks consumed by Strangler Figs, leaves forming a canopy of darkness. They had no idea which way civilization was. No idea if it even existed anymore.
.
[ January 30, 2013, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: SR Dev ]
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I don't think you need to capitalise the names of the types of tree. I personally prefer a fresh line for dialogue. You may have chosen to do it the way you have because of the 13 line rule--I don't know. You also have avoided any form of dialogue tags, but I think you'd benefit from one or two to avoid the momentary pause in the reader's mind when they are forced to decide who is doing the speaking.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
quote:Originally posted by SR Dev: I know this runs over the first thirteen, but I put this in parenthesis to ask if it feels like now we're talking about the rainforest too late in the opening.
Actually, neither of your two rewrites go over the 13-line limit. I don't count spaces between paragraphs when I count the 13 lines.
Posted by SR Dev (Member # 9986) on :
Oh okay. Thanks. Here's where I'm at with it now:
"We're not going to find anything out here." Marina slapped her grimy hands on her skinned knees to catch her breath. It was January in Caribou, Maine, but sweat pooled in the small of her back, salty, sticky and hot. More water she couldn't afford to lose.
A few paces ahead, her husband stopped walking and rested his arm against the buttress of a kapok tree half consumed by strangler figs.
"John?" she asked.
Palm leaves canopied his face in darkness, but she could tell he
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
Personally, I think it's a backward step. I am sending my edit of the story in a few minutes. I think you have other things to worry about rather than a 'hook' in the first 13.
Phil.
Posted by SR Dev (Member # 9986) on :
It will be interesting to see what you have to say, Phil. I'm looking forward to hearing about my soon to be new, many worries. -S
Posted by Bruce King (Member # 10018) on :
I like the opening with exposition through dialogue. It creates a story question that makes me want to read more and find out what they are looking for.
The only thing I tripped on was the choice of the word "slapped". It seems like she would "grab" her knees or something similar. Also, you might dump the word "salty" since that connotes taste and maybe overkill anyway.
Otherwise, I would say much improved compared to the first draft.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Thanks for the quick snip.