Feedback appreciated on this opening to a flash fiction piece. Will exchange full story for my review of another 1k or less flash fiction piece.
Angry tears are warm, and sad ones are cool, Sheila thought after a tiny warm drop splashed on her hand while she rummaged through her purse. Was it because her cheeks burned hot and heated them up? She flipped open her compact mirror and angled it back and forth to view her whole face. Not too red. She sniffed three times to clear her nose, then sat back in her car seat and took a deep breath. She had to look composed before she went into the house, before she told her mother, and she had to remain calm in spite of whatever judgmental crap her mother would say. She fished through her purse again for tissue and make-up. She opened the door with the key her parents let her keep after she moved out a decade ago. Hiyah, Mom. Its me. Shelia announced as she stepped inside.
[ February 26, 2014, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by redapollo9 (Member # 9012) on :
I think first line. It's an interesting thought.
A few questions I had: why was she crying and what was she going to tell her mother? I couldn't be kept in the dark much longer on these items without losing interest. Maybe even a tid bit of info where you say "before she told her mother" would keep me on the hook a bit longer, even if it's vague - e.g. "before her mother had a chance to ask why she'd put on weight". Any detail there might help keep me reading.
Also, when she opened her compact to check her check for redness, I took that as her trying to determine if her cheeks were making her tears hot (aka if they were angry tears or sad tears) like she didn't know why she was crying. Maybe that's just my reading of it, but I thought it made her seem a little unaware of her own feelings. It might be interpreted as giving her an almost sociopathic characteristic.
But again, giving us more information about why she was upset in the first place might help that.
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
Tears having temperature variations is symbolic, a kind of proverb or folk saying too, in that warm tears are angry and sad ones cool. Metaphorical language. Of course, tears are tears regardless of an emotional texture and not as subject to that wide a variation. The saying expression, though, is an emotional expression that opens the fragment in close narrative distance to Shelia's viewpoint. If only the sentence wasn't cluttered and confused.
When a name is unconventional, like "Shelia" that on first glance looks like Sheila, I stumble. Is this a typo or not? I think.
As a general principle, attribution tags like "she thought" are invisible where they stand apart from a lengthy clause. Even a comma after the tag is stronger and clearer than nothing. A period is strongest.
Watch for conjunctions that imply simultaenous actions that cannot be contemporaneous. Avoid them anyway. Joining main idea clauses together slows flow and pace. Conjunctions used for thought expression's informal grammar, however, is a stream-of-consciousness method that closes narrative distance close into a character viewpoint. Save informal grammar for timely and judicious character viewpoint thought and speech emphasis.
Multiple modifiers take a comma between: "Tiny[,] warm drop." If the word and fits between, a comma is indicated.
This homecoming visitation holds promise. The mystery of why Shelia crys is engaging, because she's angry for an as yet undisclosed reason. Angry she had to come home? Came home because she's angry? I don't know. Knowing soon, when knowing matters to Shelia, I'd want to know. The shape of a homecoming visitation is a pattern and sequence that works for me.
[ February 26, 2014, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]
Posted by WolfCreature (Member # 9486) on :
extrinsic,
> Tears having temperature variations is symbolic
I like to think that it is not only symbolic, but something the character has imagined to be true based on her mood at this juncture.
> If only the sentence wasn't cluttered and confused.
I see your point. Would this be better:
A tiny warm drop splashed on Sheilas hand as she rummaged through her purse. Angry tears are warm, and sad ones are cool, Sheila thought.
(Though drat, I do like the tear line coming first.)
> When a name is unconventional, like "Shelia" that on first glance looks like Sheila, I stumble. Is this a typo or not?
Its a typo. Read the name so dang much I lost the distinction between i and l so close together as they are. Probably should use more distinctive font when writing. Right at the top of the story too (how sloppy!) Thanks for catching.
- WolfCreature
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
A proverb is a pithy, poetic saying with tangible and intangible meaning, both stable, meaning accessible, that expresses a truth about a circumstance generally sharable and shared among like-minded folk. Symbolism is a concrete motif, like tears, that expresses an intangible, abstract, immaterial meaning.
A longwinded way of saying "angry tears are warm and sad tears are cool" is both tangible and intangible and public and private meaning, meaningful for Sheila privately and an emotionally strong attitude that closes narrative distance into her viewpoint from the very first line. Using a proverb of that artful mastery to open a flash story is sublime and poetic, suitable for flash fiction's prose poetry inclinations.
I wouldn't change the proverb's position so much as recast the sentence and paragraph into individual sentences for each main idea.
For illustration:
//Angry tears are warm; sad tears are cool. Hot cheeks burned--warmed the tears. A heated tear splashed onto her hand. She rummaged through her purse for a compact mirror.
//She pivoted the mirror side to side. Her cheeks were red. Smeared makeup marred her eyes. Sheila sniffed three times, sat back into the cold car seat, and breathed deep. . . .//