[ March 31, 2014, 01:32 AM: Message edited by: Reticulum ]
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
quote: In the opposite direction was the Gloaming Forrest, where Ben generally did not go, on account of its ominous feeling.
Everything else before this feels like warmup writing and can probably be cut, or moved, to later on in the story.
Posted by Reticulum (Member # 10054) on :
...?
Exposition, setting, tone. Please elaborate.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
It would be more engaging if you started the story off with some type of conflict Ben is having with the ominous nature of the Forrest. From what I remember, most of the previous sentences were all description. This is usually a sign of warmup writing as the writer gets ready to finally launch into what the story is actually about.
Instead, just show Ben dealing with what makes the Forest (by the way, did you mean to write two R's in 'Gloaming Forrest'?) ominous. Think of the conflict at the beginning of the story as the tip of the iceberg. It's there, but there's so much more underneath, especially in a story of about 5000 words.
Posted by WolfCreature (Member # 9486) on :
Reticulum,
I guess what you are trying to do here in the beginning is set mood, but I agree with Denevius, much of this description can be cut down or moved to later in the story.
I find this opening overwritten.
You have used >hills< in each of the 1st three sentences.
I’m not a fan of passive verbs, particularly >was<. In 10 sentences, you’ve used >was< 7 times, making it the primary verb of this opening. This word can often be replaced, or removed or by rephrasing the sentence.
For example instead of:
> Flowing from behind the hills and across the grasses was the Viciphicee River
How about: The Viciphicee River flowed from behind the hills and across the grasses.
> Sitting crisscross by the riverside with his left elbow on his left thigh and his chin on his palm, was Ben.
How about: Ben sat crisscross by the riverside with his left elbow on his left thigh and his chin on his palm.
> his house was surrounded by short green grass. How about: short green grass surrounded his house.
> Further down the road and sitting upon the horizon was Perzilar How about: Further down, where the road met the horizon, sat the city of Perzilar.
> In the opposite direction was the Gloaming Forrest, How about: In the opposite direction stood the Gloaming Forrest,