Hi everyone, pretty quiet around here lately so thought I'd post the opening to a new dark fantasy I'm working on. All comments appreciated as always.
Darkness. Darkness and pain and a terrible thirst. Ranic clenched his fists and screamed. A primal, guttural roar. He thrashed against cold hands that held his arms and legs and chest. He remembered a field of battle, he remembered swords and pennants and riderless horses rearing in fear. Was he there still? All he could hear was a terrible humming and a whisper that sounded cold close to his ear. “Not yet,” the voice said. “Not yet.” And then more pain and more darkness. The pain suffocated and smothered and it was in his chest and in his heart and in his very soul until there was nothing but pain and darkness and even the strength to scream against his suffering was lost to him.
[ September 12, 2014, 02:42 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
Who is Ranic, and why should I care about what's happening to him?
Without setting or context the above fragment is essentially meaningless. Yes, I know: Hook the reader with colour and movement, is the usual mantra. And, personally, I think it's a busted record that needs to be thrown out.
Give me a reason to turn the page and keep reading beyond vague memories, suffocating pain and the angst of encroaching despair.
Even a smidgeon such as: Ranic: thief, cut-purse, vagabond, lover, father and disgraced cleric writhed in pain on the straw littered floor of his cell.
Want to know more?
Phil.
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
Grammatically suitable and strong opening style-wise. Delightfully danger close narrative distance, the strongest works for me.
While I second Grumpy old guy's guidance about setting development, the example opens narrative distance, speaks from narrator voice rather than character voice the way the opening's cast. Likewise, the second sentence--"Ranic clenched his fists and screamed"--is in narrator voice amid otherwise close narrative distance character thought voice. It's a tell summarizing and explaining the action from an external reflector's perspective. Unsettled voice.
Rhetorically in terms of style, the repetition scheme doesn't work for me. "Darkness" and "pain" motifs repeated without substitution and amplification just repeats like circling a drain. The repetition rhetorical scheme depends upon substitution and amplification such that a motif transforms and escalates meaning at least if not words--diction--such that variety maintains interest.
For example for "pain," similar terms might be ache, hurt, sting, agony, in escalation sequence rather than all the same not a transformation, only a scream and clenched fists as the height of agonist emotional attitude reaction to the pain and darkness. Darkness is problematic from being a "White Room" syndrome, akin to what Grumpy old guy advises, neither a pitch black nor a white room setting develops setting's agency.
Use of both quote brackets and italics formating for spoken, aural sensations confuses whether the dialogue is in fact spoken or expressed thought. I'm not a fan of italics formatting used for emphasis in most regards, though italics formatting for thoughts is a fantasy convention. In any case, I don't feel italics is warranted for spoken, even whispered word.
Note that this paragraph contains eight "and" coordination conjunction words: "And then more pain and more darkness. The pain suffocated and smothered and it was in his chest and in his heart and in his very soul until there was nothing but pain and darkness and even the strength to scream against his suffering was lost to him."
Polysyndeton--multiple conjunctions--is a potential rhetorical virtue or vice. Asyndeton, likewise has its rhetorical virtue or vice potentials. For example, //More pain, more darkness, pain suffocated, smothered, was in his chest, in his heart, in his very soul until there was nothing but pain, darkness, even the strength to scream against his suffering was lost to him.//
I offer that guidance to illustrate a variant method that, one, reduces word count and leaves opportunity for further who, when, where, what, why, how, contexture particularly for setting development, if not character and event development; and two, a variant pace that amplifies the strength, clarity, and dramatic impact of the opening.
Strong mostly close narrative distance is a writing craft strength though opportunities for other essential developments I feel are overlooked. The emotional disequilbrium requirement for an opening is amply developed only what its contexture is is a shortcoming.
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
I admit it, extrinsic, I like a longer narrative distance when introducing characters. As the story develops and my readers get to know the nature of my characters, that's when I like to close that narrative gap. In fact, I enjoy putting the reader right inside the head of a character at the height of their own emotional or physical conflict. Always in first person POV and as close as possible to immediate context. I love the here and now inner conflict and turmoil a character can experience as he/she hacks down an opponent, either actually or metaphorically.
Phil.
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
Not a negative evaluation, Grumpy old guy, an observation. Traditional writing does indeed use narrator voice, open narrative distance by degrees for a third-person auxilliary or main grammatic person. Timely and judicious variety is a spice of writing and reading. Challenging to smoothly or artfully transition between narrator voice, agonist voice, and melded reflector voice. Whether a narrator is overt or covert, or at times some of each and how and when to transition between the options is an advanced writing sklll. Too often, the transitions are haphazard and clumsy.
For me, a self-imposed rule that helps me cope with voice transitions is an appreciation for dramatic timeliness and judiciousness. Strong dramatic moments for character voice; scene transitions for narrator voice, melded voice for transitions between character voice and narrator voice, for examples.
However, I strongly favor character voice for its close narrative and aesthetic distance consistency and personable appeals, for whatever grammatical person. Firsthand, third-person character reflector voice is my personal preference, such that readers feel they closely acommpany the main viewpoint agonist for strongest reality imitation potentials. Defined voice aesthetics like yours and mine, though different, are hallmarks of advanced writing writers.