[ November 01, 2014, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: Denevius ]
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
I thought it had sold?
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Revisions, per order of editor.
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
But on this opening, well, it's graphic enough I can taste the fish. Yuk!
Suggest deleting "the end" because there'd be two ends closing, right, and they're implied anyhow. And can a head be decapitated?
Might be more enticing to mention who's going to get beaten and tortured, feels a bit distant and abstract as it is and that person or persons would surely win the reader's sympathy, so, more engagement from the reader if they're at least hinted at?
The last two sentences are confusing to me. Which "he" is sweating and which not? A heater blazing beneath them? Sounds odd to me. That last sentence goes from warm to cold then back to warm. I'd suggest establishing first that it's a cold night, then that despite the cold, one at least is sweating from the warm heater.
Hope this helps Pat
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
quote: The last two sentences are confusing to me. Which "he" is sweating and which not?
I thought that might be the case. I'll work on clearing it up.
quote: But on this opening, well, it's graphic enough I can taste the fish. Yuk!
Eating a fish head takes getting used to. It's equally delicate as gross.
Thanks for the quick reply! Definitely useful.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
quote: And can a head be decapitated?
Fish is usually served whole. You tear off the head and eat it once the body of the fish has been consumed.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
Very vivid. I suggest breaking the last sentence up. As is, a lot of info in one sentence, tough to follow.
I like the juxtaposition of this dude thinking about torturing and murdering while sitting next to a detective. Instant tension.
I'm fine waiting to find out the whom and why about the torturing and killing.
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
On the head, I perhaps should have said, according to the OED "to decapitate" is to "cut off the head of," so I don't think a head can be decapitated.
Perhaps you meant, "the decapitated kohada's head"?
Now that I think of it, maybe show Eugi decapitating the poor thing in a fashion that's more than a normal diner, somehow showing his bloodthirsty personality or foreshadowing the method for a future murder?