"Aeneas grasped at her visage, but it was soft as the breeze, like a vanishing dream." – The Aeneid, Virgil
Vines reached over the white marble walls like intrusive green fingers. Their shadows slunk down the white as the sun fell from the sky. Flanking the winding walkway of cracked black marble were white walls, and various plants strained towards the sky from within the crevices. Though the sinking sun had barely escaped beneath the horizon, purple gloaming descended like a mist across the garden. Oneiros looked down the hill to where the chipped pathway weaved into a forest; the shadows of the trees faded into the encroaching blackness. He almost turned his dark blue eyes back towards the rusted gate, but he felt the slimy vines coming over his hand; stepping forward, he released his fingers one by one, as if being pulled.
Posted by Jennica Dotson (Member # 10221) on :
I feel a bit on the fence about this opening, but nevertheless, I'd be willing to read the full story for you if you wanted. I would happily critique the story to the best of my abilities.
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
I'd stop reading after the first sentence. However, having read all 13 lines, I found the following items that I think need to be addressed.
First sentence: Are the vines moving, as in reaching, or are they just hanging over the top of the wall like green fingers?
Second sentence: "Their shadows slunk down the white as the sun fell from the sky.": The white what? Also, suns don't usually fall from the sky.
Third sentence: "white walls", refer back to first sentence.
Fourth sentence: What is ". . . sinking sun had barely escaped beneath the horizon, . . ." supposed to evoke in the reader's mind? Also, purple gloaming descending like a mist; really?
Fifth sentence: ". . . faded into the encroaching blackness.": Darkness isn't the same thing as blackness. Blackness implies something more and otherworldly.
Sixth sentence: ". . . slimy vines coming over his hand": Are they coming or reaching, moving or rapidly growing?
Phil.
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
Send it my way.
Posted by emperorjohn (Member # 10384) on :
Send one chapter my way.
Posted by MiggsEye (Member # 10400) on :
quote:Originally posted by Reticulum: I am looking for readers of the full short story.
"Aeneas grasped at her visage, but it was soft as the breeze, like a vanishing dream." – The Aeneid, Virgil
Vines reached over the white marble walls like intrusive green fingers. Their shadows slunk down the white as the sun fell from the sky. Flanking the winding walkway of cracked black marble were white walls, and various plants strained towards the sky from within the crevices. Though the sinking sun had barely escaped beneath the horizon, purple gloaming descended like a mist across the garden. Oneiros looked down the hill to where the chipped pathway weaved into a forest; the shadows of the trees faded into the encroaching blackness. He almost turned his dark blue eyes back towards the rusted gate, but he felt the slimy vines coming over his hand; stepping forward, he released his fingers one by one, as if being pulled.
You mentioned the word "white" three times in the first three sentences: repetitive.
Nothing happens in what you've written so far. To me there seems to be a lot of densely written description that I, as the reader have to wade through even to understand. Did the Sun fall from the sky? Or did the sun set? What are you trying to communicate?
And when we get to the point of some action, it almost happened: He almost turned his eye....
"stepping forward, he released his fingers one by one, as if being pulled."... I do not understand this. How is releasing ones fingers one by one as if being pulled?
After I read this passage, I don't really know what, if anything has happened. Consider writing in a more active, action oriented way to engage the reader from the beginning. Also, consider getting clear on what you are wanting to communicate through all that description.