Ambient light glowed throughout the small hovel of a shop, there were tables secluded throughout the space giving Marcie’s Coffee its unique coziness. “What is money anyway? When you stop and break it down it’s just numbers in a computer, or paper with faces on it. Useless, except that people make it important in their own minds.” Leonard said. “It’s a way to trade more efficiently, unless you prefer bartering for every transaction.” Lois answered in his slow methodical drawl. “My point exactly! It’s only a concept, valueless in it of itself, it exists only in our minds. In other words it’s all imaginary, I’m not saying money isn’t useful. I’m just saying
[ March 05, 2015, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: mattb ]
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
Running a little long here, Cowboy. Sherif 'l be along directly to straighten you out
I am on the fence. I think the writing is good and things are happening as they should. I feel the whole "Money ain't a thing" may not be cliche, but teeters on a theme that discourages me a bit. At the same time I would like to give it a chance and see if it is a good pan, if I were panning.
I bet if you tried to work in a speculative reference, I might be more eager. I like the dialogue and writing. As it stands it is a toss up. I would see what the rest of the tribe says.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Yeah, this is way more than 13 lines. You might as well adjust it now.
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
To my mind, ambient light doesn't glow, it simply is. Second, are you sure secluded is the right word when referencing the placement of the tables?
Finally, this reads like some faux, existentialist philosophy argument that means absolutely nothing. I'd stop reading after the question, “What is money anyway?"
Phil.
Added later: I stopped a little after where I said I would so missed out on the rest of the plot. All that thought for nothing because you lost me after the second sentence.
Phil.
[ March 03, 2015, 06:59 AM: Message edited by: Grumpy old guy ]
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
If not, you really need to read them before you post any of your writing for feedback.
Posted by Will Blathe (Member # 10300) on :
mattb, it's nice to make your acquaintance.
The atmosphere interests me. The conversation interests me too. But, the conversation is too thick too soon. Long lines of dialogue tend to bother me a little.
quote:Lois answered in his slow methodical drawl.
I might use
quote: Lois drawled.
instead. Your way is more intense, but doesn't flow so nicely to me.
Thanks for sharing,
Will
Posted by mattb (Member # 10389) on :
sorry for going over the limit on lines, my fault I should have read first. Thank you for the feedback.
Posted by JSchuler (Member # 8970) on :
quote:Ambient light glowed...
If you tone the bloom filter down you can avoid that.
quote:there were tables secluded throughout the space giving Marcie’s Coffee its unique coziness.
I don't feel there's enough detail here to convince me that Marcie's has a "unique" coziness. It needs a couple more attributes for support.
quote:“What is money anyway?...
This kind of philosophizing is a bit like a warm-up exercise. You need to write it so that you can set yourself up to introduce the plot. However, it doesn't serve much purpose for the reader. So, my suggestion is to skim down to where your character finally introduces the idea that he's working towards, and delete everything before that. See how that works as your beginning.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)