SF, about 2500 words. As always, would love readers for the full. Also as always, thanks! -TG
***
“Closing time, Dr. Stein. I can give you a lift if--Liz?” Liz came to with a start, nearly falling from her seat. Her eyes went immediately to the systems monitor. Still processing. She flashed Dr. Shelley a perfunctory smile. “Just… running one last check-up. I’ll be out soon.” “They’ll keep til morning.” Shelley laughed. It was her favorite joke. “I know you love these girls, but let the systems do their work, or you’ll end up spending the night here.” “I know, I know. I just…” “What is it you’re working on?” Dr. Shelley pivoted toward Liz’s work desk, a conspiratorial smile teasing her cheeks higher. “You’re not running one of your side experiments again, are you? You know what the committee said about tertiary eye colors…”
Posted by Disgruntled Peony (Member # 10416) on :
While this opening does a good job of describing the characters, there's not a lot that really grabs my attention as a reader. I'd say it's the overall lack of conflict in the opening. One character wakes another up and the two share a friendly dialogue. All I learn about the plot of the story is that the two characters are scientists monitoring an unnamed experiment. In my experience, that sort of technique works better for longer stories than shorter ones.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
An opening doesn't need to have a hook, but I do think you need to give readers something new in the first lines. Something they not have heard of, a description that's unique. Even if the title is different, you stand a decent chance of getting readers to get past the first page of your story.
Everything in this opening feels familiar, and so uninteresting. Also, it's almost never a good idea to open on dialog. I have seen in very few workshops where readers think being dumped into dialog captures them in the narrative.
Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :
Little nits,
"closing time" implies shelly is shutting down, getting stuff, starting to do her finish the end of the night checklist. It never feels that way.
Dr. stein to Liz - implies a friendship but formal requirements at the workplace, but if it's the end of the night? Better to reverse it. When lost in their work -- professionals often don't hear their personal names, but will snap out of a daze by a formal title. We are trained in this from youth. When in trouble parents use a long formal name of their child to get them to know they are in big trouble.
If you are using Dr. Shelley stay with it until something has changed its use, like an informal address by another character. You have an intro to first names in the hook, so--
Liz flashed Dr. Shelley a perfunctory smile. “Just… running one last check-up, (Margret). I’ll be out soon.”
Intros both the formal and informal names.
Girls and systems, imply multiple data cores/servers able to run different experiments at the same time. "Girls" Can mean multiple cores being used to work one problem, but they are usually tied or slaved to one system. Just like you could be using multiple data farms all around the world to run one experiment. Just like SETE uses a small (If you let them) part of every subscriber's computer processing power to help the signal search workload. But it is all still run from a main system.
In the world of smart phones, notification can be directly sent when an experiment is done, but even more than that. Every heavy laden computer system needs an IT department, especially for security. She would have to inform IT that she is leaving without logging out. This is the reason most people have to babysit a long run. But...but...If the experiment is running in an data/server farm, other words monitored, as projects come in, usually when it is finished you will be notified. You can log out as long as their is some type of monitoring going on. IT will always know because they will be monitoring all incoming/outgoing projects for security and space on the servers, especially if multiple projects are common. Hackers often slave their system to their phones so they can monitor at a distance, then jump on their laptops. I could be misreading also, and this is just a small system and thus, needs little supervision. Basically a normal work server, and she is on a terminal, and if she logs out or not doesn't really matter if she has those privileges. Or it could be the future so, "Computer, run orbital path of the asteroid and impact point. Calculate approximate fatalities. What is the time of our arrival? Measure depth and density of asteroid. And computer, what is the latest top grossing film in the impact area, and is there enough time to get a starbuck's? All this hard work is making me thirsty.
The ending implies liz is part of the IT department but is prone to using server space for personal use, but in the first sentence, she is addressed as doctor. I'm guessing this means she is a professor of physics, engineering, etc. and so able to run and monitor her own experiments with a firm understanding of computer systems.
perfunctory smile/conspiratorial smile -- kind of break the flow. Suggest rewording/reorganizing for better flow.
Overall it is a slow start, but besides little bumps, it's scaffolding has a structure to it. Which is always a good place to begin.
W.
Posted by T. Griffin (Member # 10411) on :
Thank you all for your comments. Deeply helpful stuff.
General takeaways so far: introduce conflict ASAP, rethink opening line, clarify roles/relationships of characters, clarify/specify the processes taking place in the lab.
All manageable tasks. Thanks again.
Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :
when you're done with your next draft you can e-mail it to me. I'll read it since it's only 2,500. I find myself with a little extra time for now.
W.
Posted by T. Griffin (Member # 10411) on :
Thank you! My goal is to have that done in the next couple days. I'll send it to you then.