Hatrack River Writers Workshop: how bad is this little poem?

This is topic how bad is this little poem? in forum Open Discussions About Writing at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by bewilderedandconfused (Member # 1247) on :

(be honest i can take it)

ENDLESS KNOT

over the land and trees
over all water and seas
throughout the future and past
our love will last

stretching from heaven to hell
dreaming of our wedding bell

our love so tightly wooven
so tightly strung

no man nor beast or any being
no sword nor knife or anything

could ever
sever

our endless knot.

Posted by JP Carney (Member # 894) on :

Let me start by saying that I think the title you chose for the topic of this thread is terrible.

Why ask how bad your writing is? You're setting up low expectations in the reader, or baiting sympathetic praise, either of which is counter productive to receiving honest critiques.

That said, I like the poem. I'm no poet (though my wife loves the poems I write her, but she's a partial judge), but it had elements I like in poetry. I would have chosen (very few -- two) different words, but then again that's why it's your poem and not mine. For the greater part the words you chose really conveyed the imagery I think you were going for -- the everlasting, expansive love.

I'll make one suggestion (which goes beyond critiquing, I know) that others can comment on while they're commenting on your poem if they like. Might I suggest you lose the last line? You have it in the title, it's very clear what the subject is, and I think you'd have more impact, more drama, more passion to end it on such a strong and edgy word as "sever". You evoked my own imagination, my own passion, my own love throughout, then (for some reason) handed me a conclusion that a) wasn't necessary, and b) wasn't as strong as I'd already created reading the previous lines.

Posted by bewilderedandconfused (Member # 1247) on :

you are right about the title. sorry about that. I am not much of a poet myself I just ran across this one I wrote several years ago and is probably the only one I like much (that I wrote).

Thank you for your honestly I really liked your comments.

Posted by AngelVenuS (Member # 1248) on :

This poem has great potential - it sounds lovely!

Posted by JP Carney (Member # 894) on :

Hey, Bewildered, I was half teasing about the title of the post. Just my way of suggesting you put your confident foot forward. Nothing to be sorry about!

Ciao~
JP

Posted by Soule (Member # 1250) on :

I like it - I think that it's sweet, and anyone who ever wrote a poem like that would have me in a heartbeat, but that's the kind of sentimental sucker I am. It's very freelance, with no set form, but it still retains old-fashioned-ness (not a real word, I know) by the ryhming. I think it's very clever. Again, I state - I like it.

Posted by Soule (Member # 1250) on :

You should lose the last line, though.

Posted by Soule (Member # 1250) on :

oh boy. i really shouldn't comment on this sort of thing, but your thread got my attention. i often feel like writing that in front of all my poetry, hell, all my work! but, yaknow, you gotta have a little more confidence in yourself. it's not as if poetry is an exact science, either. no one will get peeved for a poor formula. there's no such thing.

now onto the poem. i'm not a sappy person (hence the oh boy), but it was nice. one thing. the poem's words have a sort of expansive quality as you read the poem, but the lines in your phrases become fewer and shorter. i guess some would consider this stupid or unimportant, but i feel a poem should visually follow its theme whenever possible. in some cases that's unreasonable or highly unneeded, but in your case it might add something. like i said, a minor thing, and really it's a great poem anyway, but i just thought i'd say something.

TTFN & lol

Cosmi

Posted by JP Carney (Member # 894) on :

Well, either there are two people using Soule's log-in (Soule and Cosmi), or Soule is interested in exploring a couple different sides to her own personality...

And after having checked out her web site, then checking the New: Introduce Yourself thread (initially to re-read her intro, then discovering that Cosmi has registered, reading that as well) I'm inclined to think they are two...perhaps...

Cosmi, in the future you should probably log-in as yourself to waylay any confusion, though if you don't I supposed we'll just figure it out...and of course signing your name at the bottom helps...anyway...

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

We really can't have you all taking up webspace with material that needs feedback.

It would be better if you were to ask for volunteers and email your work to them, as has been done in the topic entitled "help!"

In fact, that's a good place for anyone to ask for volunteers to read their material.

We're closing this topic now, and the other ones in which a poem has been posted for feedback.

We'll delete the poems later. Those who want to provide feedback can check the profile of the poet and provide feedback through email.

Sorry.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 23, 2001).]