Hatrack River Writers Workshop: depicting simultaneous gestures/actions

This is topic depicting simultaneous gestures/actions in forum Open Discussions About Writing at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Calligrapher (Member # 2985) on :

How do you convey a visual effect that the reader "sees" as a fluid motion rather than reads as incremental steps?

example:

He pulled his tie away from his adams apple and twisted his head back and forth loosening his collar so he could breathe.

After pulling his tie away from his adams apple, he twisted his head side to side to loosen his collar so he could breathe.

or ??

I'd like the reader to see the picture of this happening without stumbling over the words.

Is there a rule for mixing gerunds with other verbs?

Thanks

[This message has been edited by Calligrapher (edited November 22, 2005).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

He twisted his tie away from his Adam's apple, and loosened his collar. Now he could breathe.

That seems to work, to me.

Posted by Calligrapher (Member # 2985) on :

Do the gerunds help give the action immediacy? Make it seem like the action is unfolding now rather than in past tense? Or do the gerunds just cause confusion?

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

Like Will did it, keep the action short and the result seperate.

Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :

I like wbriggs example, except I would change ', and loosened' to ', loosening' because it is the action of twisting the tie that is loosening the collar. Sometimes you don't need to include all the action (like the bit about turning his head) for the reader to get the full picture. For me, I automatically associate turning my head with loosening my tie. When the reader's 'movie' of your story plays, they'll throw in the details that they know are true to life.

Posted by Calligrapher (Member # 2985) on :

This is at the crux of what I'm trying to learn now. Write only enough detail to jump start the reader's internal "movie making machine" so the words are just a rail that the reader rides while imagining the story.

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

while

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

My advice is to be cautious about 'overpainting the picture.' Your reader will automatically fill in certain details. If you mention him loosening his tie nervously, you don't have to mention his adam's apple. We know it's there. We also don't need to know he turned his head back and forth. Those are YOUR visual images, but they don't particularly add to the reader's comprehension of what is going on.

Let the reader's experience personalize this imagery. For instance, if I were to think of a man loosening his tie so he could breathe, I'd see him as taking a deep breath, perhaps being a little pale (not sure what's happened, I assume he's nervous), maybe breaking a sweat. Those are MY mental images. If you force me into seeing him shake his head back and forth, that pulls me out of MY natural imagery just a little. If shaking his head back and forth is important to the plot, ie: the action caused someone to misinterpret that he is saying 'no' to something, then leave it in. Otherwise, trust your reader's ability to fill in the blanks.

I've mentioned this before, but I'll mention it again. I attended a speech given by Randy Harvey, Toastmasters International 2004 World Champion of Public Speaking. Randy broke down the components of his award winning speech for us, and the advice he gave fits writers as well as speakers. He talked about painting the picture in broad strokes for his audience. His award winning speech was about growing up with his father. When he talked about his father holding him in his arms, he mentioned the feel of his dad's flannel shirt but let the audience fill in the color, or whether it was plaid or not. He talked about his beloved VW bug car he used to own, but didn't fill in the color. Why? Everyone in the audience had some notion of what color a "favorite old car" might be, and for everyone it's different. When trying to connect emotionally to the audience, it doesn't MATTER if they see YOUR color or not. What matters is that they emotionally engage in the story, and in order for that to happen, you have to let them invest a little bit of theirselves into painting the imagery.

It's a delicate balance, to be sure. You want to present enough imagery that they can visualize the scene. Just don't force them to see it through your eyes.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited November 23, 2005).]

Posted by franc li (Member # 3850) on :

I've really been enjoying reading the Hitchiker n-logy by Douglas Adams since having my writing class. Mainly because he breaks all the rules. Anyway, in reference to what you ask, there is a very early scene where Trillian "gestured to Arthur to come in but keep quiet". How to "describe" that gesture? "She waved him in with one hand while placing the index finger of her other hand over her pursed lips."

The thing is, he does give precise physical descriptions of Zaphod that hurt to read, but that's because Zaphod hurts to look at.

It occurs to me that I will re-read some other favorite novels when I'm done with this batch.

Posted by Calligrapher (Member # 2985) on :

Thanks, Elan and franc li.

Like everything else about writing, it seems to be an art with no hard and fast rules. On the one hand it gives you all the freedom in the world; on the other hand, its difficult for beginners to learn well.