Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Internal Dialogue

This is topic Internal Dialogue in forum Open Discussions About Writing at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

I use a lot of internal dialogue in my stories, but I never do a good job of the formatting.

Will someone please provide some examples of properly formatted internal dialogue along with other text? Or point me to a reference?

Thanks.

Posted by rcorporon (Member # 2879) on :

Most of the internal dialogue I have read is usually done in italics.

Posted by Karloff (Member # 3143) on :

Formating isn't as important as clarity. The question is, Can your readers follow you? The less formatting the better, in my opinion. But do whatever must to make it clear.

Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :

Good question, Mike. I struggle with this too, particularly the question of what thoughts should be in first and third person. This would indeed be simplified by the use of italics; there would be no question when the viewpoint character was speaking and when the narrator was speaking. But in light of the movement away from italics in internal dialogue (please, let's not start that debate again), I struggle with wording and format. e.g.:

Bill walked into the building, glancing around for a mirror of some sort. Did he look okay for the interview?

Bill walked into the building, glancing around for a mirror of some sort. Do I look okay for the interview?

Thoughts, people?

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

According to OSC, you can tag it as dialog, saying "thought" instead of "said," and w/o quotes. Or you can not tag it at all, if it's obvious MC is thinking it. He doesn't like italics because it's hard to read.

quote:
Frank, fourteen years old, had been stringing electric fence with his grandfather all morning. It wasn't a bad job, he thought. Put up a stake, drive it in with a sledge hammer until it was about hip-high (which wasn't hard in plowed soil); nail a plastic doo-hickey to the top, and put the wire into the doo-hickey. Doo-hickey? Insulator? Something.

This is a way. I help you realize that it's all internal dialog with that early "he thought," but for the rest of the story, everything is either a perception or a thought by Frank.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

right, what Will said.

Italics are pretty superfluous most of the time but some people like 'em, I guess. I don't. They're hard to read and unnecessary.

If the POV is deep enough you don't need "he thought" at all.

You never EVER need "she thought to herself silently in her head" no matter what.

I find "Bill walked into the building, glancing around for a mirror of some sort. Do I look okay for the interview?" to be a jarring POV violation but I know OSC and Autumn endorse it.

Also be careful not to use too much of it, as with any element. My first drafts tend to be chock full of navel-gazing and while some of it is absolutely essential, too much of it is just dull. Don't let your characters sit around and think too much; get them off their butts and fighting the monkeys.

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

Thanks folks.

quote:
You never EVER need "she thought to herself silently in her head" no matter what.

Darn. I was going to use that. Only more along the lines of "She thought silently to herself in the vast and echoing confines of her head upon her shoulders."

Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :

To me the way a writer chooses to show internal dialogue has to do with the writer's style.
Also if you write from deep in the character's head you can show a great deal of characterization by how the internal dialogue is stylized--like the business man who would never sware outloud, but inside calls himself every degrading name in the book. In that case I wouldn't have the character think: I sure am a shit-head, he thought--After he did something I'd simply write: shit-head. I think the key to writing it is to relax and give yourself permission to write naturally not though restraints such as italics.

[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited January 20, 2006).]

Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :

Well, my work tends to have characters do their thinking, usually (but not invariably) expressed in third person prose and rarely the actual thought quoted. "She remembered carying her backpack that morning. But she didn't know precisely the last time she had seen it. Had it been on her back? Or had she taken it off and put it down?" (Quote from what I'm working on right now.)

If you do use someone's internal thoughts, try for one character's thoughts per scene. Don't make the big mistake Frank Herbert did in "Dune."

Posted by AstroStewart (Member # 2597) on :

That's exactly what I do with internal thoughts. No italics, no thought tags, just add it in there and the reader will get that it's the character thinking it, if you're in deep penetration.

Bob told her that she looked perfectly fine in the dress, even though she didn't. She looked awful, but the fact remained that they were late. If he waited for her to find the perfect outfit they would never get there. How did other men deal with situations like this? They probably had more patience than he did, but that was no surprise. He was a very impatient man.

Not the best example perhaps, as I just whipped it up right here, but it is an example of the way I like to do internal thoughts, most of the time.

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

Okay, here's a snippet that I think works. What do you think? Is the internal dialogue clear?

quote:
I must be most careful, Marke thought. Else, my corpse will also make its way there, to the Flowe, and they will not find me before my body swells and rots, and my shade will surely languish in this hellhole forever.
I must be most careful.

[This message has been edited by mikemunsil (edited January 20, 2006).]

Posted by franc li (Member # 3850) on :

I think the POV in the snippet you provide is okay. I have issues with the word choice. "I must be more careful" doesn't seem to go with the other stuff.

Internal Dialogue... is that like ESP or what? But yeah, I guess it is pretty commonly called that.

Also, I do argue with various viewpoints within myself, but I've never seen that as different from interior monologue.

Seems like Xenocide had a fair bit of interior dialogue.

[This message has been edited by franc li (edited January 20, 2006).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

The change to "most" rather than "more" really works with the flavor of the text. You don't need that comma after "Else", and it didn't do anything for me rhythm-wise either. It might also be good to cut one of the "and"s, but I leave that to you. As internal dialog, though, it seems fine.

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

Thanks, guys

Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :

Mike,

Here is an exercise you can try. I find it much easier to get inside a character's head if I write in first person. In first person, pretty much everything you write aside from dialog is internal monolog (not dialog). Try writing a scene in first person, with Mike Munsil as the POV character and narrator. The scene could be anything, say the dog went into the bedroom and peed on the carpet and it stinks. Keep it under 500 words. Then, take the same scene and make it into a 3rd person deep penetration scene. Make the character somebody else and make sure you deliver all the thoughts that showed up in the first person narrative.

That's largely how I handle my internal monolog. I visualize myself in the situation and the thoughts that come into my head are the thoughts that go into the character's head. Personally, I try to avoid direct reference to the character's self and to relative times like today, this morning, tomorrow, mainly because to me the first violates POV and the second voilates past tense.

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

Thanks, Spaceman