This has come up while writing an Ask Mr. Writing Person column. It's not important that he knows - in fact, it's essential that he's clueless - but his questioner is female, and she needs to be authentic.
So when women are on a triple date, and one stands up and says, "Let's go to the ladies room!" and they all tromp off together leaving the men to stare awkwardly at each other over half-eaten crab quiche... what are they doing in there?
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
surely Mr. Writing Person knows they're doing heroin in there.
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
They all go in to practice kissing. Everybody knows that. Then it's heroin. Or maybe it's heroin first and kissing after.
What they aren't doing is talking about their men or anything else, really. That never happens.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
Oh, please. He's asking a serious question.
They are doing two things:
1) Talking about themselves. "Do I look all right?" "Look at me, I dribbled food on my chest, now I look stupid!" "Is this the right color of lipstick?" "What's wrong with my hair today!"
and they are:
2) Talking about the men. "Isn't he cute?" "Do you think he'll ask me out again?" "He's so fine..." .... of course, if this is a relationship that is headed south, the conversation may lean toward, "He's so stupid."
That's all it is. The ladies room is like Information Central.
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
Making themselves more beautiful if the date is going well or, if the date is not going well, they are plotting how to escape and what to do once they ditch the loser guys.
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
They might also being using the toilet. 100% of women need to pee at some point in their lives, or is that just a myth?
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Personally, I am too busy doing heroin and practicing kissing to actually pee.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
On a more serious note, women have been raised to be cautious, especially with regard to going to places they've never been before, and restrooms in the backs of restaurants qualify.
Men aren't raised to be cautious that way, so they don't need the "strength in numbers."
There is also the talking and the using the facilities and the fixing of makeup (it's rude to fix makeup in public, dontcha know). And if the restroom is tastefully decorated (the fancier the restaurant, the fancier the ladies restroom), there is oohing and ahhing about the decor.
But speaking as a woman who was raised to be cautious, the "strength in numbers" when going someplace I've never been before is reason enough. (Maybe you haven't heard the horror stories about what can happen to a woman alone, but I have, many times.)
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
yeah, but this is Mr. Writing Person. Have you read his column?
Here's how the conversation will probably play out:
Questioner: So the other woman and I left the table to go to the bathroom. We were going to--
Mr. Writing Person: Do heroin, yes, I know. And practice kissing.
Q: What? No, we were not! We were going to--
MWP: You ignorant Philistine. Denial might work fine for you in real life, but fiction requires honesty.
Q: But I don't do heroin!
MWP: Ah, so the kissing part is true? Excellent. All truly great novels have kissing in them.
Q: I don't remember there being any kissing in Moby Dick.
MWP: You ignorant heroin-addicted Philistine. It was symbolic. Luckily for you, I'm here to explain these subtleties. Remember the scene where Abraham Lincoln gets into a fistfight with Captain Ahab?
Q: Uh, no.
MWP: You ignorant Philistine.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
Oh.
Well, just call me "ignorant Philistine" then. (Isn't that a redundancy?)
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
Wow, trousercuit, I didn't realize that Beth was just a pseudonym you use!
Beth, I'd say that was a great spoof, but it's too accurate of a rendering of what he'll actually do in his next column.
Regards, Oliver
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
You can tell us apart easily: Mr. Writing Person is the one who thinks "alright" is ok.
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
Alrighty, make a mental note never to go into a restroom with Beth unless heavily armed.
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited June 03, 2006).]
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
I never did go to the bathroom with other women very often. When I did, it was usually a coincidence -- we all had to pee at the same time. Once we did it as something of a joke because the men in our group were discussing women getting up and going to the bathroom together.
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
Elan, everyone else who answered seriously: thank you.
Everyone else who didn't: thank you.
There's no way Beth is a pseudonym. It's illiterate Philistine, not ignorant. And yes, we diverge on the "alright" thing, too. (It's the posterior injective of "all right," okay? By the way, this one's making it into the "fack" I'm posting on Monday morning.)
Other than that, we're identical. Except the gender thing. And location. Genes, etc. Gravity, though, we have in common. I think.
EDIT: This is actually about eight Ask Mr. Writing Person columns out. I've produced a shameful number of them in just a few weeks. It disturbs me.
And Beth pretty much nailed the last part of it, except it's not about the questioner going to the restroom, it's about Cher, Paris, and Hildegarde.
[This message has been edited by trousercuit (edited June 04, 2006).]
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
ignorant, illiterate, whatever; I stopped reading because of the "alrights." it was either stop reading or claw my eyes out.
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
Alright.
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
Do you all ways claw your eyes out when you come across it?
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Yeah. Now I mostly have to use a Braille reader for internet stuff.
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
My heck! How many eyes did you start with, Beth?
Now that I know this about you, I'm predisposed to be less snarky.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Oh, God, sorry. The last thing I want to do is contribute to someone becoming less snarky.
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
Good.
You're an illiterate Philistine.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
The problem with being less snarky is that the usual alternative to a snark is a Boojum.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
There are some things men are not meant to know...
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
... like the definition of Boojam, for example? I can't get Google to give me a straight answer. It also keeps suggesting "boojum."
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
That's because "Boojam" is incorrect. Who, besides you, said anything about Boojams?
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
apparently he is an illiterate Philistine.
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
I'm afraid not. "Boojam" is the subjugular normative form of Boojum, and is commonly used for emphasis.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Someday, someone's going to make the mistake of taking you seriously, you know?
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
I hope so. That person has no business writing.
The only difference is that getting laughed out of the hobby/business will happen a lot sooner.
My biggest worry is that it would be a kid, who wouldn't be expected to know better.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
I'd be careful to avoid giving any advice that would lead a naieve reader into signing with a scam agent or PublishAmerica.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Isn't it a very tired, old joke?
"Oh yeah. the old restroom en masse joke."
Do they ever wonder what we all talk about when they are gone?
'Sheesh mate, lights are on but no-one's home!' number one guy says. 'You happen to be talking about the woman I love...' number two guy replies looking miserable and staring at his drink. Pause. Another pause while number one guys makes unobtrusive, let's get out of here gesture to number three guy. Yet another pause while number three guy thinks of something. 'Might go see if the bar is still open... ' number three guy suggests. 'Ooh wait, I'll come too...' number one guy chimes in. 'You want anything Joe?' 'More scotch...double.' says number two guy
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 05, 2006).]
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Imagine if you were on a triple date ( by the way, who goes on triple dates?)and have one guy stand up and say: "I'm going to the restroom." and the other two say, "Ooh wait, I'll come too." that would be weird!
I used to date a girl who would occasionally flip out a little round mirror and furtively check her make-up. Clearly not for my benefit because she would check who was looking and if it was only me she'd go right on ahead and fix her lipstick. So one day when she did it I asked if I could borrow the mirror and got out a disposable razor I had brought and neatened-up my top lip.
No... she didn't think it was particularly funny either.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 05, 2006).]
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Then there's being left sitting with two other guys you don't know and would rather slap than talk too just because the girls insisted on a triple date.
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
Okay, that's hilarious. To bad it didn't work out - but then, would you have wanted it to anyway?
I know it's an old joke, but Mr. Writing Person has his own unique twists on the idea. Mutagen-injected nuclear garden lizards, for example. And... three guys in a bathroom, primping themselves. One says, "Can you zip me up?"
Beth: Duly noted, and good idea. I wouldn't want people to actually get scammed because of something I write, no matter how illiterate they are.
Posted by pooka (Member # 1738) on :
Does eating make the stubble grow faster? Because it does rub off lipstick.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
This particular occasion was in the foyer of a movie theatre BEFORE the movie. Odd on many levels.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 05, 2006).]
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
I have also found that stubble rubs off lipstick. I think I'm going to start carrying a razor and mirror on dates with my wife now.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Bright red stubble, mm-hmmm!
hoptoad, anything a woman does involving lipstick is potentially flirtatious. It's little wonder she took your little turn-about play the wrong way, since you were probably taking her preening the wrong way. Of course, we may be working from different data sets, I probably never took the woman in question to dinner, after all.
As for a bunch of guys all going to the bathroom together...some women might find it wierd, but their initial instinct would probably be delight at getting to stay at the table together. And some might find the idea of a man who is comfortable "being sociable" with other men attractive. Of course, men and women have fundamentally different modes of sociability, women almost never recognize male socialization for what it is and men find female socialization superficial (and a little creepy if it happens between men).
Ultimately, trousercuit has a point with his "would you have wanted it to anyway?" comment. You gotta be a guy. If a woman can't handle that...so be it. Not that I've managed to get married or anything like that
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Appreciate the implication that I work from some sort of data set. Posted by quidscribis (Member # 2240) on :
Um, personally, I like going to the bathroom with other girls because, as odd as this sounds, I'm easily confused in buildings and have a tendency to get lost. Going to the bathroom with another female means I can follow her and not worry. Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
There's the old saying from high school. "Who knows what goes on in the girls' locker room...but wouldn't you guys like to be there to see it?"
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I can't claim to have been familiar with that saying, or even to believe that it's really a saying now that I've been familiarized with it.
I'm curious about what hoptoad works from if he doesn't work from a data set.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Well, I made it up about five minutes before posting it...but it certainly sums up the attitude at my high school...
Posted by sholar (Member # 3280) on :
If the women all leave for the restroom at the same time as the check comes, that is a sign for the men to divide the bill and pay it while they are gone- though that may be a bit old fashioned.
Posted by pooka (Member # 1738) on :
I prefer extrapolations of reality from fairy cake over data sets.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Fairy cake is a data set, though.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
quote: I had not a dispute but a disquisition with Dilke, on various subjects; several things dovetailed in my mind, & at once it struck me, what quality went to form a Man of Achievement especially in literature & which Shakespeare possessed so enormously - I mean Negative Capability, that is when man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts without any irritable reaching after fact & reason.
mmm fairy cake
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
Sorry, Survivor. Your perceptions of fairy cake are a data set.
Just wanted to get us back onto rigorous ground, you know.
By the way, quidscribis, I first read your post like this:
quote:Um, personally, I like going to the bathroom with girls because, as odd as this sounds, I'm easily confused in buildings and have a tendency to get lost...
I thought you were a guy and kept waiting for the punch line.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
quote:I thought you were a guy and kept waiting for the punch line.
You must have missed her many references to her husband
And, regarding the mission in the bathroom... sometimes we women just need to pee.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited June 08, 2006).]
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
How boring.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
There you go. Kill everybody's illusions...
Posted by pooka (Member # 1738) on :
If one woman is going, everyone tends to go so they don't cause multiple interruptions. Some women feel awkward about having to excuse themselves individually. There is obviously a component here that women almost always could use a visit to the restroom, where a lot of men don't. But I've heard the more often you go, the more often you have to.
Maybe the other women leave in order to avoid the inevitable quoting from "Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels" that will inevitably follow any such announcement.
[This message has been edited by pooka (edited June 08, 2006).]
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
Hang on. They go because they have to pee?
All of them?
I've heard of synchronizing menstrual cycles before, but this is ridiculous.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
What happens in Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels?
Oh you mean; To pee with another woman, that is French.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 08, 2006).]
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
Now that I think about this logically, it makes perfect sense. Let's say it's a party of three couples.
Woman #1 needs to pee, but she doesn't want to go alone for fear of rapists, etc. She casts a meaningful look at woman #2 as she stands up. Woman #2, taking the hint, stands up. Not wanting to be left alone with three men, two (or three) of whom she hardly knows, woman #3 also stands.
The men, being utterly incapable of detecting hints of any kind, talk about peeing with French women after they leave.
And to think my dad told me women were incomprehensible.
[This message has been edited by trousercuit (edited June 09, 2006).]
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 2240) on :
In some countries, homosexual marriage is legal. Then again, in some countries, such as this one, both polygamy and polyandry are legal. So, does me mentioning my husband really say anything about my gender? :dontknow: Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
That's because you're ignorant of how male marriage partners are addressed by other male marriage partners, meaning that you aren't in such a marriage.
Posted by pooka (Member # 1738) on :
Do gay men ever affect or enhance the inability to find their way around a building? I guess since their hypothalami are small, and that is the direction center in rats, it is possible.
It's not that they do all have to pee simultaneously, but they know they will at some point during the next couple of hours, so why not now?
The DRS quote I was thinking of was "Brother, may I go to the bathroom?" "Yes, Ruprecht".
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
There's the story of the vow of silence at the monastery, where the monks spoke only for a minute every twenty years, where the first question a monk asked was, "Where's the bathroom?"
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
You missed the best part after "Yes Ruprecht.": "Thank you." followed with a relived facial expression.
Posted by ambrosia (Member # 3487) on :
Hey trousercruit, question for you. I write for the 100 Hour Board, and we just received a question about you. Or, rather, we just received a question about Mr. Writing Person. The question reads:
I've been reading Mr. Writing Person (mr-writing-person.blogspot.com). As he suggests, I'm working on using subjugular normative form for emphasis in my writing. ("Swang" for "swing," and "brang" for "bring," for example. In use: "Suddenly, the door swang open!!!") I'm having problems identifying others, especially since some seem to be doing double duty with past tense forms, like "sang" for "sing." Also, "thank" seems to be the subjugular normative form of "think," but I'm not sure. "He thank about it long and hard" reads funny. . . .
[I]s Mr. Writing Person related to Mister Language Person? If he's not, who is he?
-Continually Learning Mom [edited for length and . . . stuff]
Would you care to reply?
Thanks.
Posted by ambrosia (Member # 3487) on :
If you are interested in responding, you're welcome to email me at ambrosia.ananas@gmail.com.
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
I sent an email. It had problems the first time, so I sent it again. The second email, which appears to have gotten to you, may have some formatting issues. If so, I apologize.
Posted by ambrosia (Member # 3487) on :
Perfect. Thanks. : )
Posted by pooka (Member # 1738) on :
I knew a speaker of another language who produced "thank" as a past tense of "think" once.
So does this thread come up if you google "Mr. Writing Person"? Or is Ambrosia an alias that trousercuit set up? I'm so skeptical, it really is a shame I can't enjoy the wonder of life more.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
probably cynical rather than skeptical, being uncertain what the consensus may be.
hmmm, or both
PS: me too
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
It's okay to be jealous of women and fame and glory and millions in advertising revenue, pooka. EDIT: And hoptoad. By the way, the acid test will be whether the question shows up on the 100 Hour Board. Or maybe not, because I could secretly be in on that, too. But then, why would I post here under a pseudonym looking for myself if that were true?
Anyway, right now, it turns up when you Google for "mr. writing person" subjugular normative, but not mr. writing person subjugular normative or "mr. writing person" or mr. writing person (with or without quotes).
I checked out the 100 Hour Board before sending my response to ambrosia. It's a Q&A thingy hosted by the BYU Linguistics department, and really quite interesting to read. (About 1/2 of the questions may be interesting only to Mormons, BYU students, or Provo residents, though.) I also discovered that the guy who wrote "Life, by Dan Brown," that Da Vinci Code parody, knows a lot of these people in real life (not just online - I think). Also, a couple of them linked to Hatrack from their blogrolls.
It's a small, small, interconnected world. I'd love to run some graph analysis on this stuff.
Has this ever gotten off-topic. Peeing French women, anyone?
[This message has been edited by trousercuit (edited June 14, 2006).]
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Jealous? I am not jealous. I am trousercruit.
[This message has been edited by trousercuit (edited June 15, 2006).]
No you're not, we are!
[This message has been edited by ambrosia (edited June 15, 2006).]
No. You're right. I am Illiterati. Lord of the subjaguars. ( Am I not awesome? )
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 15, 2006).]
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
quote:I am Illiterati. Lord of the subjaguars.
OH MY HECK.
Okay, that's, like, the funniest thing I've seen all day.
Posted by Whitney (Member # 2176) on :
I was going to make comment on single women bathroom-herding vs. married woman bathroom-herding, but I'm afraid I came into the conversation too late and the topic is moot. ;P
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
This topic is never moot.
Posted by Whitney (Member # 2176) on :
Hum-Kay. I think the inital assertation that women go in to check their make-up and hair usually, not always, applies to single women. Married women, unless trying to impress husband's bosses or clandestine lovers or future sisters-in-laws, are going to the bathroom to go to the bathroom. Women in general tends towards herding because we want to talk to other women about what women like to talk about. If a woman get stuck alone at the table with the men, then we're forced to talk about things men like to talk about, which isn't any fun to anyone but a man.
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
Alrighty, since I asked for help, I thought some of you would be interested that I've finally posted the column that deals with this, er, "issue."
Thanks again, everybody. It was most enlightening.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
No heroin? No kissing practice? WTF?
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
The world isn't populated with just heroin addicts and kissing practicers, Beth.
It's populated with heroin addicts, kissing practicers, and nit chewers. I'd be lying to my readers if I didn't produce examples that were representative in the aggregate.
Actually, here's the deal: heroin addicts aren't funny to portray, just to talk about. (A lot of humorous stuff is like that.) And the kissing practice... I just plum forgot. I could have had one of the guys snogging a spigot and everything. D'oh!
EDIT: Hmm... it's not too late to change it...
[This message has been edited by trousercuit (edited August 04, 2006).]
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
Bah! Curse that Mr. Writing Person and his actions and gestures! I can't get the full comedic effect of "snogging a spigot" in the first example because it's not supposed to use descriptive verbs. It doesn't fit in the second, and in the third, Mr. Writing Person is so utterly clueless that he wouldn't even come close to having the ladies practice kissing. They're too busy making mutagen-injected nuclear garden lizards jealous...
Ah, well. There's always the follow-up.
Posted by authorsjourney (Member # 3569) on :
I found the real truth in the Q and A on a friend's website:
quote:--Why do girls always go to the bathroom in groups? What's up with that? Are they scared they'll fall in or something, and need a friend to rescue them?
I believe it is because in the girls bathrooms there are enchanted portals into another realm, a realm in which the females are in a desperate battle against an ambigous alien oppressor, and "having to pee" is just code for "I have to go save the alternate universe, my commander just contacted me via internal communicating system," a system I can only speculate is in one of the regions specific to girls only. I also believe that one Sian Ricketts must be an otherworldly Joan of Arc, as she is called into battle far too many times for there to be any other explanation.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
Curses! Our real motive has been uncovered!
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Your fatal mistake was trying to pretend that women would have actual bodily functions just like men. Of course, it would seem logical for men to believe it, but the concept is simply so contrary to a man's fundamental sense of reality that no man truly believes it. When you use such a fundamantally unbelievable story as your cover, it's sure to fall apart sooner rather than later.
Posted by goatboy (Member # 2062) on :
They do exactly the same thing that men do in the bathroom, except they wash their hands afterward.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Oh, I wash my hands before.
Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :
I always go to the restroom with other women to plot the next phase of our world takeover plan. The bathroom is the safest location for plotting, but first we discuss boring things like lipstick in case anyone is listening in. By the time we get to, "Honey Rose stays on better than Frosted Pink," it's a sure bet no one is listening anymore.
Well, sometimes we go in groups to plot talking our dates out of going to a horror movie. Then we make them watch a grainy foreign film with eye-straining yellow subtitles instead.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
...sending the unwitting dates blind — all the easier to take over the world, eh louise?
mwahahahhaa!
Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :
Oh darn, I've said too much, It was okay to talk about bathroom plans for world takeover, but our fiendish use of yellow foreign film subtitles was a secret! Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
Oh, fine. Now I suppose you are going to reveal the fact that ChickFlick films are actually our source of imbedded, subliminal secret code information, which is where we get our command orders from the Galactic Interpol Revolutionary Liberation Squad (GIRLS). Way to go with spilling the beans...
Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :
Blast you, Elan, you're a member of those upstarts? GIRLS wages psychological warfare not only on men but on rival women's organizations such as TAMPON (Tough Active Menacing People Overawing Nations). Yeah, I know, we're working on the name, okay? The problem is these darn committees can't come to an agreement on anything.
The point is, chick flicks destroy the brain cells of both men and women and can cause undignified bouts of crying and giggling. It's like dropping a nuke. Sure it kills your enemy, but the fallout kills everyone else around, too.
Never mind, we'll deal with your sort at the international level. WOMB (The Women's Oversight-committee on Mental Bombs), having finally realized the devastating effects of chick flicks, is sure to declare their use a crime against humanity.
[This message has been edited by Louiseoneal (edited August 08, 2006).]
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
Everybody's taking notes on this, right?
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
I'm laghuing too hard to take noets!
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
that would be weird! 
