So, I have this scene in my fantasy novel, Knights Valor. I have Anlin, the MC, leading people through a series of tunnels trying to escape. On the other side, I have 5 demons hunting for Anlin. Neither can see each other until they collide in the tunnels. I like the idea of building tension by showing both sides of the equation.

As is I wrote in 3rd person limited, allowing the characters inner thoughts, and used scene breaks, for each POV switch. The sequence of scenes flows something like:

1 ½ pages Anlin’s POV
1 ½ pages The Five’s POV
1 page Anlin’s POV
¾ pages The Five’s POV
½ page Anlin’s POV
¼ page The Five’s POV
Then they collide and its told through Anlin’s POV the rest of the chapter.

This is the way I picture a movie happening, flashing back and forth as the two combatants close. Is this acceptable in writing? Or is there a better way of doing this?

Any suggestions would be great, thank you.

 

For me and my writing, emotions are felt in the reader through the characters they are reading. Using your example, if I was trying to build tension in this scene, I would exacerbate the tension that Anlin is feeling, and allow those things that would naturally cause him to be worried/nervous/afraid to affect the reader.Is the cave narrow and dark? Does the sound of rushing water far below mute out any other sounds of pursuit? Is he shepherding old or injured people who might be a hindrance in a fight? In contrast, there is no tension in the demons - they aren't a human enough character (I'm assuming) for a reader to really identify with them, and since I'm assuming they're the antagonist in this situation, you probably don't want the reader to be siding with them. If there is some reason why these demon would also be tense about this pursuit, say, if these five didn't catch Anlin before he escaped they'd be tormented for eternity for failing their master, or something, then a counter-balancing tension can be created that way, but it wouldn't be generated by leaping back and forth between POV's, and it would only really be of any use if you wanted to generate some sympathy in your reader for these five demons.

I hope that makes sense. It's just my opinion too - the only way to truly see if it'll work is to write it and see how it turns out. I say, go forth and do so.

Jayson Merryfield
 

If you have managed to get a close connection of the reader to your character then there will be tension if the character is in a frightening situation. So your job is to make that situation frightening.
 

However, I would make one comment. Rather skip around so much, stick to one pov and then at the high point of pov #1's experience, cut briefly to your villains' pov. Use the switch to increase the tension at a point where it may be about to decrease. I've seen that done a lot in action adventure stories.
 

Have you already written the scene? If so, I'd gladly take a closer look. Just don't send it as an attachment. My Word is screwy, so send the text in the body of an email.
 

Who's the narrator? Narrators are the most overlooked characters in story. Even when a narrator is invisible, narratorial attitude (tone) toward the story's topic is not.

One cardinal rule of story is to keep in touch with the protagonist. Breaking the rule effectively might require bending the story to at least keep the emotional causation centered on the protagonist, meanwhile showing the (uncertain to the protagonist) approach of the aliens. It's a complex challenge to keep in touch, change perspectives, and move away from the protagonist's focal setting at the same time.
 

I think thriller writers use this technique often, though alternating POV at the chapter rather than page level. Unless it's done really, really well it annoys me because I can't immerse in the main character, and I'm learning that one thing that sets books apart from other forms of story-telling is their unique ability to get inside MC's head with third person limited.

It's annoying because in the scenes with MC I can't get fully involved with how MC is feeling and perceiving things, because I know something MC doesn't.

Suppose MC sees a threat ahead and, from another POV, I know about a threat behind her that she's unaware of. If I'm irritated with MC for not looking behind herself and seeing the threat I'm privy to, I can't get immersed in how she's feeling about what she's seeing ahead.

As others have said, I think real tension comes from MC's hopes and fears--and yes, that's harder to write.

Perhaps, instead of alternating POV, MC could catch glimpses of the hunting demons, or hear them in adjacent tunnels; or if it's silent, one character could say to MC things like, "They know these tunnels well, and they never make a noise. We must be careful at every turn ..."

Hope this helps,
Pat

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited June 03, 2008).]
 

To everyone, thank you for your thoughts. You have given me much to think on.

Generally speaking, I’m not one who likes to write from the “baddies” POV. But in this story, I find it really hard to show any side of the demons without writing from their POV, as much of the time they are hunting their prey.

My idea behind it, wasn’t so much to get the reader to feel for the demons or let the reader into their thoughts, as much as get them to fear the demons, those creating that impending jeopardy. I wanted to show them, ripping and tearing, killing anything in their path as they closed on the hunted. From Anlin’s POV I wanted show him and the others fleeing from the shadows that they know at any moment could come to life.

[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited June 03, 2008).]
 

I think it is a mistake to try to repeat what works in film in a novel. We have so many advantages in writing a novel that a screenwriter doesn't have, primarily among them is the ability to get into the head of a character and show us that inner "oh crap!" monologue that the MC feels, or all his/her inner doubts and concerns.

A scene like this sounds like you have the ability to put it ALL on the line. Is there a love interest of the MC with the band he's helping escape? He can be tied up with his concern for her while also trying to plot the escape while also anticipating the showdown fight that is coming and also regretting whatever mistakes he made getting them into this predicament in the first place and feeling bad about dragging the couple passersby (who may turn out to be handy in a fight, or useful as characters to kill-off to up the ante) that have joined his ragtag band, etc.

Just keep ratcheting it up. Lock the door. Have his staff break. Have someone pass out. Someone else should be bleeding. Heavily. This sounds like the big scene. Put it all out there - have the reader think there's no way this MC can get out of this scrape, and then have the MC do it, using guts and courage and cleverness and a little bit (but not much or it's farce- think Indiana Jones) of luck.

Good luck with this!
 

A way to illustrate the fear-inducing characteristics of the demons would be to show the demons no through your MC's eyes, but through another sympathetic characters eyes - perhaps the guard that your MC left at the mouth of the cave who is overwhelmed and devoured by the demons. Perhaps the last remnants of his blood-curdling screams reach the ears of the rearguard of your MC's group, urging them onward. Maybe a small detachment is set to hold the demons off at some bottleneck. Their trepidation at facing the demons would be far more effective at illuminating the character (and characteristics) of the demons than the same scene through their POV, since we can more easily sympathize with a human character than a non-human character.

Jayson Merryfield