"I don't know why she swallowed a fly," she waved her hands wildly as she spoke. "Perhaps she'll die!"
or...
"I don't know why she swallowed a fly." She waved her hands wildly as she spoke. "Perhaps she'll die!"
More to the point. When you aren't using a said'ism, do you end the sentence inside the dialogue quotes or do you do it just like you do with a 'she said'?
Thanks!
Anthony
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
The second example is the recommended style. Dialogue attribution is a clause of a dialogue sentence. Descriptive context, expressions, gestures, actions, etc., are set off as distinct sentences unless they're part of the attribution clause. "Uh-huh," Mary said and bowed her head. "You're right." However, keeping attributions as simple as possible is the recommendation. "Uh-huh," Mary said. She bowed her head. "You're right." Conversely, the descriptive context might replace the attribution altogether as long as it indicates who is doing the speaking. "Uh-huh." Mary bowed her head. "You're right."
Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :
That is what I thought. Thanks for the quick reply.
Anthony
Posted by JeanneT (Member # 5709) on :
Just as a stylistic matter, I would take out the "while she spoke." The assumption when you put an "action tag" in the middle like that is that it's while she spoke so it seems a little redundant to me. But as far as the punctuation is concerned, the second is indeed correct.
Posted by innesjen (Member # 6126) on :
I was under the impression that if she continues to talk you use a commas (twice).
example: "I don't know why she swallowed a fly," she waved her hands wildly as she spoke, "Perhaps she'll die!"
or maybe that's only if it's just a said statment
"I don't know why she swallowed a fly," she spoke, "Perhaps she'll die!"
?
Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :
In this particular instance there are two statements in the dialogue.
"I don't know why she swallowed the fly." and "Perhaps she'll die."
The first statement must be terminated somewhere.
If it were one statement then you would be correct.
“There isn’t a cure for the virus yet," she said, "so he'll probably die.”
At least this is how I believe it would work.
Anthony
Posted by JeanneT (Member # 5709) on :
If it is the end of a sentence, unless it is a dialogue tag such as "she said" you use a period. What you showed was a run-on sentence. So unless you deliberately want to use a runon sentence for some stylistic reason, you wouldn't use commas.
And I would use an ellipsis or an em dash most likely if I were using an action tag of any length if I were putting it in the middle of a sentence. Normally if you're using a tag of any kind in the middle of dialogue, you put it where there would be a pause so that works.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited July 30, 2008).]
Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :
quote:If it is the end of a sentence, unless it is a dialogue tag such as "she said" you use a period. What you showed was a run-on sentence. So unless you deliberately want to use a runon sentence for some stylistic reason, you wouldn't use commas.
Meh... it was an example. I didn't really intend for it to be critiqued.
Anthony
Posted by JeanneT (Member # 5709) on :
I wasn't critiquing it--just discussing the grammatical and stylistic issues with a sentence of this type. Of course, you didn't mean it to be critiqued.
Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :
No worries, Jeanne. I find that do this a lot in my writing though. Split a dialogue statement with an attribution or possibly a subtle action where a person might pause comfortably.
I don't think its necessarily wrong but I probably overuse it. Scratch that... I definitely overuse it.
Just looking over the story I'm working on tonight I can see where I have done that in several places.
le sigh.
Anthony
Posted by JeanneT (Member # 5709) on :
There's nothing wrong with doing it part of the time, especially where a natural pause would come. But we probably don't want to go overboard with any particular technique. The question always is where exactly do we reach "overboard." LOL
Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :
In my limited experience, I find it to be where the ship ends and the water starts.
Speaking of water... I'm off to the lake! Is it sad that I'm looking forward to writing at the lake?
le sigh...
Anthony
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
You don't have to use "said" or some substitute all the time. I recommend its use---it does identify that somebody whose speaking pretty well.
You could just put the character name in, instead of "she." "Martha waved her hands wildly as she spoke."
Barry B. Longyear---remember him?---once advocated never using "said" at all. I think that's carrying it to an unhealthy extreme, but a lot of his writing really worked.
Posted by JeanneT (Member # 5709) on :
Action tags such as you mention are an excellent substitute, I think.
Most other substitutes for said are viewed with extreme disfavor by editors these days whatever authors may have done in the past though.
"Saidisms" tend to be considered a bit amateurish. Mind you, sometimes established authors still get away with mild ones, but most of us here aren't established.
I stick with "said" 90% of the time if I need a tag. I don't mind replied if it flows well. Asked is all right (all from my own point of view--I'm not saying some rule) but it seems a bit redundant to me. I'll use whispered or shouted only if it isn't perfectly clear from the context. Otherwise, personally, I avoid saidisms like the plague and frankly I think writing is cleaner and more elegant without them--or mine is anyway.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited July 31, 2008).]
