Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Querying about query letters

This is topic Querying about query letters in forum Open Discussions About Writing at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Crank (Member # 7354) on :

In an attempt to sharpen my "Metzgerhund Empire" query letter, I've given it to a few people (including a few Hatrackers) to determine if it would motivate them to buy my novel.

Obviously, I've extended the offer to do the same for them.

I've noticed one particular difference between my query letter and what I've seen from the small sampling of letters I've received from others: instead of overviewing a general condition, I like to give brief mentions of specific events that have happened within that condition. Exempli gratia: Instead of my original version...

quote:
Billy fought his way back time and again from the music world's roadblocks and negativity...

...I changed a portion of it to read...

quote:
When concert opportunities became scarce, Billy 'stole' another band's lineup spot at a rec center his band was already banned from.

Does my 'specific events' approach deepen the hook and give the agent / editor something to look forward to, or does it spoil too much of the prize my opening hook supposedly already promised?

If you were an agent or editor, which approach would you prefer?

S!
S!

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

It is hard to say without reading the whole query letter, but I prefer specific detail to general statements. So I prefer the specific event.

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

quote:
When concert opportunities became scarce, Billy 'stole' another band's lineup spot at a rec center his band was already banned from.

I definitely prefer the new version of that sentence. I would think that publishers would expect a certain degree of formality in query letters that would not be expected in the novel. I may be completely wrong about this and welcome correction.

With that said, instead of "rec center", you might consider "recreational center". Also I believe that the sentence needs a "that" between "center" and "his".

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

"band" and "banned" got my attention

Don't know what agents want.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I think it depends on the context. Sometimes you will likely want to summarize, and sometimes it will be important to be specific. Usually, I prefer the specific to the general. It makes the story more real.