Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Risen

This is topic Risen in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by thecox (Member # 4713) on :

I'm looking to develop this into a novel, but let me know how you like the first section. Any criticism helps. Thanks.

Those glittering rainbow shoelaces caught my attention from the morgue, those tan buttons drew me up from the heaviest sleep I’d ever known. And the most unusual ring -all black, bottom-of-the-well style but surrounded with neon-blue waves- flowed up and down with the movement of his awkward fingers. A certificate rested beneath a blue ballpoint, which scrawled the doctor’s mark with the finality of a guillotine. With tremendous effort, I opened my eyes and read the name, my name: Chris Hubar. The death certificate belonged to me, scheduled for the Hooper and Weaver Funeral Home that day.

An urgent, deadpan voice shook my spirit. It echoed through my emptiness like a sonar whirlwind.

Find the morgue. Find your body.

[This message has been edited by thecox (edited January 08, 2007).]

Posted by QuickSilver (Member # 4683) on :

Really interesting hook. I'd definately read on. My Grammar's pretty rusty so sorry I can't comment much on that. It all seemed fine though. The only thing I wasn't too keen on was the 'awkward fingers'. To me fingers are only awkward when they're moving and it seems these fingers belong to a dead hand. When I first read this bit an image of clumsy fingers came to mind. Might just be me though.

Hope this helps.

Posted by vhenry (Member # 4672) on :

Ok, I'm definitely interested and would read on, but, like Quicksilver, was also confused by the awkward fingers and couldn't quite build the picture of the ring in my mind. Maybe you were trying to convey the stiffness of rigor mortis.

When you say, the "shoelaces caught my attention from the morgue.." I believe you want to paint the picture of the MC being outside the morgue, but as it's written, seems a bit awkward.

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

Totally cool.
Maybe a little verbose, but I kinda liked the style.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

You can keep the style (and it's a cool style) without being confusing -- just clarify some points:

>Those glittering rainbow shoelaces caught my attention from the morgue,

"caught my attention from the morgue": I can't parse this.

>those tan buttons drew me up from the heaviest sleep I’d ever known.

At this point I wonder why the undertaker or dead-body-slotter or whatever is asleep on the job, and if he's asleep, how does he know that the buttons are tan?

>And the most unusual ring -all black, bottom-of-the-well style

the most unusual -> a most unusual
- -> --

>but surrounded with neon-blue waves- flowed up and down with the movement of his awkward fingers. A certificate rested beneath a

Whose fingers? The dead guy's?

>blue ballpoint, which scrawled the doctor’s mark with the >finality of a guillotine. With tremendous effort, I opened my >eyes and read the name, my name: Chris Hubar. The death

Oh, it's the *corpse* that's telling the story! I think. This was my biggest confusion. I'm still not sure who's wearing the weird-looking shoes.

>certificate belonged to me, scheduled for the Hooper and Weaver Funeral Home that day.

>An urgent, deadpan voice shook my spirit. It echoed through my

What does a voice sound like when it's urgent and deadpan? I don't know.

>emptiness like a sonar whirlwind.

What does a sonar whirlwind echo like?

>Find the morgue. Find your body.

But we're already *in* the morgue, with the body -- aren't we?

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

I found this to be a very confusing opening.
You're writing in first person, but the MC doesn't open his eyes until the 4th sentence -- so how can he describe anything or see the doctor or anything else.
If he is having a dream or vision this isn't conveyed by the writing.

Ditto on the awkward fingers, "urgent deadpan voice" (this is self-contradictory) and sonar whirlwind (sonar is an underwater sound wave so, again, this doesn't make any sense)

I don't think I'd read much further if I'm already confused by this much this early. I understand the opening idea, but it needs to be presented clearer.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

I'm lost. I did figure out what was going on when Chris got to the death certificate but the beginning was tough.

Most of the language issues I had have already been pointed out.

How does he "see" shoelaces if his "eyes" are closed? HU?

Just work on the clarity and sink a bit more into Chris's POV. He seems blase that he's at a morgue. Is he? Does he know he's dead before he reads the death certificate? If he does, I need to know it from line 1.

"An urgent deadpan voice shook my spirit."

Hummm. I like what you are trying to say but it doesn't work for me. "Urgent" and "deadpan" are contridictions to me. "Deadpan" means flat or lifeless while urgent generally indicate stress and/or higher pitched voices. I'm also not sure about the "shook my spirit" part. I can't figure out a cleaner way to say it but I keep stumbling over it. How do you shake a spirit? How does sound shake a spirit?

You start in the morgue. If Chris leaves the morgue to see the death certificate, I need to know that otherwise the "find the morgue" is confusing.

Posted by thecox (Member # 4713) on :

Thanks everyone for your comments. I see how it might be pretty confusing, since it's basically the man's spirit which is viewing the doctor. It seems like I need to adjust some word choice as well. It is from the POV of the dead guy's spirit, but I should make that more clear.

Again, thanks for the crits everyone. I'll see what I can do.