-----------------------------------------------------------------
“I didn’t kill her,” Mason Bailey said, gulping down his third Glenlivet in a row.
How many times had she heard those words? Dozens. But not from the mouth of a United States senator. For all Whitney Steel cared, the man could drink himself under the table, but not until she got what she’d come for. An exclusive.
A steamy blast of wind kicked up under the turquoise awning shading the bar's patio. She sipped a frosty lime daiquiri, mesmerized by the brutal way the early afternoon sunlight magnified every line on Mason’s tanned face. God, he was too old to choose the Pink Flamingo Club for a rendezvous.
“Of all the reporters in Panama City, let alone Florida, why me? We cut our ties years ago.” And our losses, she wanted to add.
------------------------------------------------------------------
 

"...sunlight magnified every line on Mason's tanned face."

Sunlight may have made lines more apparent, but sunlight doesn't magnify anything.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited January 16, 2007).]
 

Other than that, It seemed like alot of unnecessary details, about stuff I had no reason to care about.

The small hook that I felt was the part that it was a senator that she was interviewing. More on that perhaps. And less about details (ie. sunlight, drinks, magnified lines on faces) I just don't care about that stuff, its just filler for me. Perhaps, get me into her head more, what she is thinking, feeling, and wondering. .............................. <-- whole bunch of salt to go along with my post. Im probably full it.
 

Begin with POV character to avoid confusion.

[This message has been edited by Donelle (edited January 16, 2007).]
 

Had to edit; used the wrong name, Mason.

[This message has been edited by Chaldea (edited January 17, 2007).]
 

>“I didn’t kill her,” Mason Bailey said, gulping down his third Glenlivet in a row.
Didn't kill who?

>How many times had she heard those words? Dozens. But not from
Who's "she"? Better to start with her (the first line suggests Bailey as POV character), and give her a name.

>the mouth of a United States senator. For all Whitney Steel cared, the man could drink himself under the table, but not until she got what she’d come for. An exclusive.
I want to know earlier that she's a reporter. I'm still not sure why she's heard those words dozens of times. I doubt many reporters do.
What does drinking himself under the table have to do with "I didn't kill her" or Bailey being a Senator? Non sequitir.

>A steamy blast of wind kicked up under the turquoise awning shading the bar's patio. She sipped a frosty lime daiquiri, mesmerized by the brutal way the early afternoon sunlight magnified every line on Mason’s tanned face.
Maybe I want to know earlier that it's daytime; I thought it was night.

>God, he was too old to choose the Pink Flamingo Club for a rendezvous.
I don't follow.

>“Of all the reporters in Panama City, let alone Florida, why me? We cut our ties years ago.” And our losses, she wanted to add.
Who said this?
After re-reading I got that it was her. So they have a history. I'd rather know that up front.

An order of exposition like

Whitney Steel didn't want this assignment. She's a reporter. The story involves her ex-boyfriend or whatever turned Senator. He's accused of murdering a stripper he was involved with. He isn't in jail for such and such reason.

They're at the Flamingo Club...

This isn't the only OK order of exposition, maybe, but it's one. It follows the First Paragraph is Free dictum, and gives us what's going on with the story up front. The hook might be the relationship; or it might be the murder; or it might be the hardboiled-detective style you're showing.
 

Make it live. Make it sound like your story, rather than anyone's story.
 

I also wanted more information or at least the information presented in a different format. I thought Mason was talking to an attorney especially given the "how many times had she heard those words?"

Once I found out she was a reporter seeking an exclusive, the plausibility issues killed me. There is no way a Senator is going to be talking to a reporter, even if she is his ex-whatever, when he could be suspected of murder. Heck if he was my client, I'd kill him just for thinking about talking to the press. Give me some reason to believe he'd slip his handlers and attorneys and that they'd let him to talk to her.

Maybe try to focus on Whitney's reactions to being HERE before Mason denies being a murderer. If you do that, we are firmly inside her POV and I can feel for her.

NITS -

"third Glenlivet in a row. . "

The "in a row" is unnecessary. If he's a Senator, he's going to be buying more expensive liquor.

"cared, the man could . ."

This would be a good place to hint at the prior relationship. Ex. "for all she cared, her ex-husband . . . "

She's drinking a daiquiri?! What is she 12? The drink doesn't match the type of character I think you mean for her to be. You might want to reconsider her beverage choice because that choice forms a mental picture, at least for me, that I'm not sure you want.

The description of the setting doesn't really help you. IMHO the "God, he was too old . . " is strong enough to stand by itself.

"Of all the reporters in Panama City, let alone Florida, why me?"

Was a bit too cute and Casablanca -ish for my taste. The "Why me? We cut our ties. . " is the heart of the sentance. I can wait to know we are in Florida, but I want to know thier relationship. Don't tease me. Just tell me.

 

Kim