To: StarkE.@NET/AUTHORITY/FEDBRNCH/SEC.gov From: Malivo_S._@NET/DARA Network/govfunc/DC.netgov
Target is coming. You cannot fail.
-Connection Aborted-
Down a cold and darkened hallway a scientist stood alone, waiting. The lobby was plain, yet spoke of considerable wealth. Marbled floors, white walls. Austere lamps highlighted an enormous chandelier hanging from the ceiling. No carpets. All straight lines and clean cut architecture. All white. The serene silence was broken only by the slow ticking of the clock and the low chatter of the secretary’s keyboard.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
OSC's view on cinematic POV: cinema does it so well. But what print can do for us is get us into people's heads. Writers may be tempted to start cinematically, but it'll usually work better if instead they go deep into someone's POV.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
The opening email badly shook my interest and presented serious plausibility issues. The remainder didn't work for me.
Posted by ColinCohen (Member # 4945) on :
I agree about the e-mail -- I think you should just start with "Down a cold and darkened hallway . . ." and then add something that will suck us in.
Posted by WetherbyOwl (Member # 4967) on :
Hmmm...I'll try a re-write and post it in a day or two.