I have already found helpful advice in this forum, and re-wrote my first 13. Thanks for the tips so far! (Yes, I’m new; this is my third post.) Tell me please, do I have a problem with viewpoint here? (Too distant even though I'm in her head?) All comments welcome on this passage:
Glaring sunlight seared the dragon’s eyes. She skimmed over the snow-capped mountains on high cold winds. Her trailing tail scraped across a sharp rock spur as she drifted below the snow line. Off balance, the dragon wobbled in a sudden gust, flared her wings, and settled onto a thin basalt ridge. She gazed out over an unfamiliar valley and prodded at the roiling restlessness that had compelled her to roam so far from her lair. The warm sun and heated rock eased tired muscles. She sank lower, then suddenly flung her head up, snapped at her flank, and shook her head in frustration. Rearing up, she roared into the empty sunlight and leapt out into space, seeking release in flight.
With one powerful wing stroke, the dragon propelled herself ...
Ah, MC = main character! This particular dragon is not an MC.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
What's happening is clear; a good thing.
Why we should care isn't. What's the dragon struggling for? Until we know, we can't struggle with her.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
Welcome Mrs. Brown.
To answer your question: Yes, you are too distant for me. You aren't in the dragon's head or at least very deeply in her head. The feel is cinematic.
I do like that you tell me that she's not sure why she's where she is.
A weakness is that I don't know what the dragon thinks/feels about this whole thing. You tell me she's frustrated - "and shook her head in frustration" but don't show me why. Also, the "in frustration" isn't really necessary. I can infer that from the actions.
I'm not sure what this " prodded at the roiling restlessness " was supposed to mean.
Play on the dragon's lack of knowledge. What is she feeling about it? What is she thinking? Sink into her head.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Is she a young dragon? If not, why the lack of self-control, or naturally predicting the change in air currents?
I think wbriggs hit it with why do we care? If this is not the protagonist, who is? Why are we being told about her?
I get the feeling that she is about to be attacked. If so, why not start there? Once we know that it's a warm day in unfamiliar mountains, we need tension/conflict.
It's good writing. But, it needs to show more of the story's direction.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 15, 2007).]
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
Thanks, you gave me some things to chew on. AND I think I need to quit fussing over this passage (oh yes, much fuss time logged), and go back to outlining my plot.
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
Couldn't resist; here's a second attempt:
Glaring sunlight seared the dragon’s eyes. She skimmed over the snow-capped mountains on high cold winds. A sharp hunger pang followed by a rush of unexpected weakness reminded her that it had been three days since her last meal. The weary dragon flared her wings and settled onto a basalt ridge. She idly searched the unfamiliar valley for game, mulling over the roiling restlessness that had compelled her to roam so far from her lair. She recognized the hand of Yao the Creator in it, but could not discern his intention. The warm sun and heated rock eased tired muscles. She sank lower, then suddenly flung her head up, snapped at her flank, and shook her wings out. She was filled with urgent purpose. Rearing up, she roared into the empty sunlight and leapt out into space, seeking release in flight.
Better?
Posted by Hunter (Member # 4991) on :
The description is nice. I have a clear picture of what the dragon is doing, but the purpose behind it is still unclear.
This is a little nitpick: I like that we know why the dragon is weak now and wobbly, but if the dragon hasn't eatten and she's supposed to eat often, I don't think her weakness is unexpected.
I'm not sure what you meant by, "She recognized the hand of Yao the Creator in it, but could not discern his intention." Is 'it' her lack of food, her roiling restlessness, or the landscape?
Still would like to know why she snaps at her flank.
Are you going to tell us what filled her with urgent purpose? Because I don't see a cause right now.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Like I said, it's nice writing, but I still have some of same problems:
Why do we care? What is the reason the narrarator is following this character?
Why is she filled withurgent purpose? The answer to this question is will make me care.
She recognized the hand of Yao the Creator in what?
LOL - If the answer to these question is evil robot monkeys wbriggs will be ecstatic.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 16, 2007).]
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
Gentle readers, I apologize for trying to be mysterious! If this doesn’t work, I’ll have to bring the dragon in later and start with the next scene (one of the MC). I was thinking of the dragon as a kind of prologue, on her way to the action:
Glaring sunlight seared the dragon’s eyes. She skimmed over the snow-capped mountains on high cold winds. A sharp hunger pang followed by a rush of weakness reminded her that it had been three days since her last meal. The weary dragon flared her wings and settled onto a basalt ridge. She idly searched the unfamiliar valley for game, mulling over the growing restlessness that had compelled her to roam so far from her lair. She recognized the hand of Yao the Creator in her need to return to Agivin, where she was born. The warm sun and heated rock eased tired muscles. She sank lower, then suddenly realized that Yao intended for her to birth a new generation. She flung her head up and shook her wings out, filled with urgent purpose. Rearing up, she roared into the empty sunlight
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 17, 2007).]
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
Uh-huh, I get it now!
As you've probably read, there's much discussion about the purpose of the F&F forums, and the reasoning behind the 13 lines. One thing I have learned from critiquing and being critiqued is that sometimes the points raised are answered in my text elsewhere, that can be soon enough. Not *everything* has to be addressed in the first 13, but I think the improvements you made help this first bit really tease at the key elements of your story.
If you feel like this isn't going to be the main character, one thing you can consider is putting in a prologue. I think there are many pluses/minuses to debate, but I believe general consensus is that a prologue is the place to lay out any backstory or aspects of the story that are not directly related to the main character.
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
I was planning to surprise the reader (later on) with what the dragon is about, but I've learned that creating anticipation for the reader is better. Also I read somehere in the forum that catching the reader off guard is a bad idea -- that rings true for me! (It's different from the unexpected plot twist, which can be quite satisfactory.)
I think this passage IS the prologue. I had a couple of more paragraphs about the dragon hunting and traveling, but they will fit better after the MC introductions. See, I can learn!
This process also reminded me to trim words to the bone! Very out of practice...
So, am I still allowed to do a first 13 on the first chapter? Or is someone willing to read a little more off-line?
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
You can post the first 13 lines of the first chapter in this topic, as well as asking for volunteers to read more.
Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :
Post the first 13 of your first chapter. If you would like I can look at the first chapter or so. Just email it to me by clicking the little envelope above.
Tracy
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
Thank you! And I don't have the first chapter ready. As for the next 13, I’m not quite there yet (I don’t want to waste this one-shot exercise on the wrong passage). Please see my new topic on Process.
I'm really hoping to hear from the rest of you who critiqued the dragon passage, to see if you are satisfied yet.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Much improved, I think!
>Glaring sunlight seared the dragon’s eyes. She skimmed over the snow-capped mountains on high cold winds. A sharp hunger pang followed by a rush of weakness reminded her that it had been three days since her last meal.
At this point I wondered: *who* was her last meal? That would interest me: if she were hunting people.
>The weary dragon I suggest "she." Whenever you find a new way to refer to a character, the reader has to think a moment to decide if it's a new character.
>flared her wings and settled onto a basalt ridge. She idly searched the unfamiliar valley
At this point, unintentionally, I started to skip. A predator is hunting for prey; nothing new here. She's not that interested, either: she's weary and her search is "idle." Readers are suggestible: talk to them about a character being disengaged, and they may disengage!
What *is* your hook -- the reason someone will want to read? Tell us that up front, I think.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Did she find any game? I can't imagine that a dragon wouldn't spy any life, even if it didn't amount to a meal. I mention this, primarily, because you devoted a section of your thirteen line to having her look, but didn't reveal anything of what she sees.
Other than that one point, I find this is a vast improvement.
