This is the introduction to my first novel. It's set in the future, but that isn't apparent yet (aside from the date...)
Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks! ~~ June, 2092
She paced the tight room, glaring angrily at the wall clock. He should have been back by now, they should have already left the motel room, been on their way to Mexico. She’d wanted to make another motel by first light, hated being trapped in the trunk while he drove on down the dusty roads. Her small frame shivered, thinking about the last time she’d been trapped by the sun. That wasn’t going to happen again, he’d promised to hurry back. He swore he was just running to the butcher, and then he’d return.
She glared at the wall clock once more. It’d been over two hours, far to long for a quick run down to the grocery store. She hoped nothing had happened. But as soon as that thought crossed her mind, she knew something had. Something
[This message has been edited by Gemmi (edited March 23, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 24, 2007).]
Posted by Hunter (Member # 4991) on :
Hmm, I'd like some hint of what's chasing her. I'm intrigued by the idea of traveling by trunk. I think some time spent on that would be interesting. What happened? I get the feeling she's a vampire. Why did Greg have to go to the butcher and not her? I take it that he's going for her.
I think your sentences are a bit wonky. You have commas where a period would work fine. But it doens't seem glaringly wrong to me. Others may disagree.
Why not use her name? I have nothing to call her. A name would be nice.
Posted by Chaldea (Member # 4707) on :
As I read I was debating what I might write differently, until I read the word 'to' when it should be 'too.' Then I gave up, knowing that a good editor would not get past this very common mistake, either. Spelling and word usage mistakes are the number one reason why mss go into the round file.
Edit here: 'Far to long for a quick run down to the store.' Should be 'Far too long for a quick run...'
[This message has been edited by Chaldea (edited March 24, 2007).]
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Who is she? Name?
Who is he? Name?
Why is she hiding from the sun? Does she have a skin condition? Is the sun ultra toxic?
She's glaring at the clock too much, what did it do to her?
Why is he driving down dusty roads on the way to Mexico? Where are they? In New Mexico? Southern California? Arizona?
Besides waiting, impatiently, there is nothing going on here.
If she's a vampire, tell us she's a vampire--it shouldn't be a secret:
Monica was a Vampire. She waited in the hotel room for Jack to get back, or the sun to set. She checked the clock; he should've been back by now. Where was he? A gut feeling told her Jack was in trouble.
...and get on with the story.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 24, 2007).]
Posted by discipuli (Member # 3395) on :
i think bieng a little subtle in introducing the character as a vampire would make it interesting once it didn't hamper the flow of the story too much , but it probably won't make much sense as your novel would be labeled somewhere ''Vampires'' .
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
What the not-so-Inarticulate Babbler said, plus: you've got a lot of comma splices in there that need fixing.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
You lost me because you withheld way too much. By the third line I was skimming to see if you were ever going to name these "people."