[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 24, 2007).]
 

I thought the “free” part is supposed to be the first sentence, not the first paragraph. Am I wrong, folks?

If you want to keep the free opening, I suggest starting with the last two sentences (and maybe condensing them down to one). Then tie it into a scene and setting, preferably introducing the MC (main character).

Its fine to let us know this world has two moons and what color they are, as a start to setting the scene, but I would suggest that they not be directly linked to the gods, unless there IS a direct link that you care to explain.

Here are your sentences rearranged, with suggested deletions in [brackets]:

[For since the beginning of time] the two gods of this world [had] played the game of war, [with the inhabitants of the planet as their pieces. It was] an endless contest between two equally matched combatants, and the only losers were those mortals whose lives it claimed.

The sun disappeared below the horizon [and darkness fell on the planet]. [However, the black of night was short lived, soon] two moons appeared in the NIGHT sky. [First to appear was] the smaller one [which] shone red swiftly followed by the larger which was a pale yellow. [They shed beams of conflicting colour on the surface below. Since the creation of the world these two had waged an endless battle night after night, but the battle of their lights was merely a reflection of something else.]

The transition is clunky (nonexistent), but I didn’t want to mess with it any more than I have
You need a comma after “red”. I added NIGHT.

 

The sun disappeared below the horizon and darkness fell on the planet. However, the black of night was short lived, AND soon two moons appeared in the sky. [PARAGRAPH.] First to appear was the smaller one which shone red swiftly followed by the larger which was a pale yellow. They shed beams of conflicting colour on the surface below. Since the creation of the world these two had waged an endless battle night after night, but the battle of their lights was merely a reflection of something else. [HUH?] For since the beginning of time the two gods of this world had played the game of war, with the inhabitants of the planet as their pieces. It was an endless contest between two equally matched combatants, and the only losers were those mortals whose lives it claimed.

This paragraph could be improved by a little rearrangement:

Since the beginning of time the two gods of this world had played the game of war, with the inhabitants of the planet as their pieces. NEITHER EVER WON, AND the only losers were those mortals whose lives it claimed.

I was going to say then we can get into the stuff about the moons...but maybe not. The problem with the moon stuff for me was just that I didn't have a reason to care. If this were a movie, it would make a beautiful scene for opening credits, but since we can't actually see it, I think you'd do better to skip it.

So I think maybe telling us that the two gods play this war will be enough background, and then we can get to in-the-moment action.

A note about "first paragraph is free": yes, you can violate POV in paragraph 1 if it helps. Does it help? Maybe. Depends on what's about to come next.
 

quote:

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The sun disappeared below the horizon and darkness fell on the planet.

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Darkness doesn't fall on a PLANET except, perhaps, during an eclipse. One side of a planet is always facing the sun and is therefore in the light.

I don't have anything new to add besides that.
 

From (planet's name's) creation, (name and name) warred against each other in the night sky. The two gods were equals, so only the mortals ever suffered. (First God's Name) lent his/her name to the swift, red moon that rose first. The second, bearing (Second God's name) was much larger and pale yellow.

(MC) wandered (the terrain) in the mottled light of the dual moons.
 

thanks again.