Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Kenzoku [Asian inspired Fantasy]

This is topic Kenzoku [Asian inspired Fantasy] in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=26;t=000099

Posted by Doublehex (Member # 3433) on :

As the Marajin stared out the window of his private chambers, he began to believe that the Country of the Flame would be going through a very cold season. From the crack in the window, a chilly breeze flew in, confirming his suspicions (as well as blowing some of his hair in front of his face). Annoyed, he forced the gray strands of his hair back into shape.

As he stared into the evening sky, the Marajin began to think. In the world that was called the Land of the Rising Sun, there are seven countries that are world powers. These seven countries control the world; no other country matters, for they are weak and the Seven are supreme. The seven countries are Flame, Earth, Storm, Wave, Frost, Thunder and Wolf.

Each country, a member of the Seven or otherwise, was ruled by

I am looking for anyone that would be interested in proofreading my novel thus far. It is 61 pages, with 24 551 words at the time of this writing. I have several ways of contact...

AIM - doublehex168
MSN - doublehex@gmail.com
E-mail - doublehex@gmail.com

Thank you for your consideration.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 24, 2007).]

Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :

Just a nit:

You start the first two paragraphs with "As [someone] stared" and one of those really needs to be reworded.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

quote:

As the Marajin stared out the window of his private chambers, he began to believe that the Country of the Flame would be going through a very cold season. From the crack in the window, a chilly breeze flew in, confirming his suspicions (as well as blowing some of his hair in front of his face[<--this is a separate thought.]). Annoyed, he forced the gray strands of his hair back into shape.
As he stared into the evening sky, the Marajin began to think. In the world that was called the Land of the Rising Sun, there are[Violates past tense] seven countries that are world powers. These seven countries control[tense] the world; no other country matters, for they are[tense] weak and the Seven are[tense] supreme. The seven countries are[tense] Flame, Earth, Storm, Wave, Frost, Thunder and Wolf.
Each country, a member of the Seven or otherwise, was ruled by

As of the second sentence of the second paragraph, this reads more like an outline or story pitch than a novel chapter.

Flesh the story out for a while, finish your first draft, then let it cool off for a bit. Only submit your 13 lines when you are confident in them.

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

A few quick nits:

quote:
As the Marajin stared out the window of his private chambers, he began to believe that the Country of the Flame would be going through a very cold season. From the crack in the window, a chilly breeze flew in, confirming his suspicions (as well as blowing some of his hair in front of his face).

Why not start with the chilly breeze and have that make him suspect a coming very cold season? That's more cause-and-effect and will help you get rid of some repetitive words so you have more room for other stuff in your first 13.

quote:
As he stared into the evening sky, the Marajin began to think.

You mean he wasn't thinking before?

As has already been stated, the paragraph that comes next reads like an info dump to inform readers 'how this world works.'

There is no hook here for me. I'm not intrigued by the coming 'very cold season' because the Marajin doesn't appear worried. Nothing else catches my attention, so I'm not interested in reading further. Sorry.

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

I'll give it a read. Check my profile for my e-mail.

Posted by DesertComet (Member # 5414) on :

I know some Japanese. So I would be remiss if I didn't inform you that your characters name translates into a sort of bad word. The word mara is also a kind of demon or temptation in Buddhism, but colloquially it's a dirty word, and unfortunately you can't specify it with kanji. Any other problems I see have already been mentioned. It does sound like an interesting story so far, it kind of has that RPG feeling to it.